6 New Year’s Resolutions for Sh*tty Aggies

author-pic at UC Davis  

The New Year provides an excuse to reinvent yourself—it’s a time to look back at 2016 and try to break shitty habits and replace them with better ones. We, at The Black Sheep, have created a New Year’s List for the Aggies who are just a tad bit shittier than most of us.

6.) Put Deodorant on Before Getting on Unitrans:

Reflecting back on past winter quarters, Unitrans tends to be packed with students unwilling to brave the arctic winds of the outside world. As Californian’s, 40 degrees might as well be 0 degrees. Biking to campus is no longer an option, and unless you have a car and can afford the parking permits, you and the rest of the campus population are most definitely going to take Unitrans. When you stuff a bus with as many college students as you can, it’s not going to smell like vanilla and roses. As a way to minimize the putrid stench of body odor, we are suggesting our fellow Aggies to please, for the love of everything holy, put on deodorant.

5.) Cleaning up After Yourself at the Arc:

This is aimed specifically for the shitty Aggies who never clean up after themselves at the gym—for the Aggies who don’t put away their dumbbells or refuse to remove their plates from the squat racks after they are done. This is for the Aggies who have poured their blood, sweat, and tears all over the elliptical AND the StairMaster. Hey, you’re better than most of us for working out, we’re proud of you, but put your shit away and wipe away your sweat bruh.

4.) Being a Better Biker:

Biking, much like driving, is a lot of responsibility. Crashing a bike can cause a lot of damage, especially since most of us don’t wear helmets (but honestly, who wears a helmet? People who aren’t trying to get laid, that’s who). We can prevent campus bike accidents by paying attention to the road, giving pedestrians the right of way, and USING GODDAMN ARM SIGNALS TO LET OTHERS KNOW YOU’RE TURNING.

3.) Being a Better Pedestrian:

Being a pedestrian on campus is truly terrifying. The Silo is possibly the most dangerous area on campus, with the construction, buses, and bikes, oh my. Who knew getting Starbucks can cause this much anxiety? For your own personal safety, we urge you to be a better pedestrian. Look both ways before crossing the road, just like they taught you in elementary school. And don’t walk in front of a bike and then stop in the middle of the road as if you had a death wish.

2.) Stop Hogging the Hammocks:

The hammocks are hands down the best part of the Quad. Share hammock time with your fellow Aggies by not taking a three hour nap on one.

1.) Stop Taking up All the Space in the Silo:

In theory, the Silo would be a great place to hang out if it wasn’t so crowded and people could find seats. Maybe this year, you could put your backpack down and let a living being take the seat next to you. It’s a little screwed up when you see students on the second floor sitting on the ground while a backpack is chilling on a barstool.

 We can admit 2016 was a shitty year. Let’s make 2017 a little less shitty, Aggies.