Summer may be concluding here in six weeks, but that’s still six weeks that you’re lonely and tired of asking your cat her five favorite movies. Cats only want to watch Disney Channel original flicks so it gets repetitive after a while. How many times can one feline watch Brink before they learn to inline skate themselves? Anyway, now that your roommate is gone until who knows when, let’s start tossing some frigging cardboard cut-outs up in their room so you feel like you have friends.
7.) Charlie Sheen:
Time to bust out the old tiger’s blood references, get a sick face tattoo, and hang out with your favorite version of Charlie Sheen. It’ll be much more difficult for anything made entirely of cardboard to develop a severe cocaine addiction so this version will be much tamer. That doesn’t mean that he won’t be as friendly as your roommate though!
6.) Charlie Day:
Just because he can’t read, write, or speak well doesn’t mean he can’t be a good friend! Think of how many irresponsible things you could do when you get fake Charlie Day drunk? He would probably invent a language, eat some milk steak, and tell you that it’s ok because your grandma always loved you.
5.) Charlie of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Fame:
Whenever you get a little lonely, it’s always nice to go into your roommate’s room and have a little chat with a cardboard cut-out of Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fame. Maybe even bust out some Keystone Light and poor those right down the side of his two-dimensional face. Man, my grandma used to love Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
4.) Charlie Who Bit Someone’s Finger:
You know who never bit my finger? Good ol’ grandma. The only thing she ever bit into was a good book, maybe some Clive Cussler or John Grisham, before baking her favorite oatmeal raisin cookies.
3.) My (Probably) Dead Grandma:
Shout out, miss you gram.
2.) Charlie Chaplin:
Much like my grandma, Charlie Chaplin has a kind heart, full of warmth and love for Clive Cussler novels. I wonder what grandma is doing right now? I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her?
1.) Charlie Brown:
Grandma Charlie, please, please come back. My home, your room, feels empty now that you’re gone. Dust has begun to gather on your old contact lenses, and your cat won’t stop watching Brink, the Disney Channel original movie. He even tried to put on the rollerblades you kept in the dingy closet next to the water heater. You would have loved that.
If anyone has seen my grandmother, please call the authorities. She said she was going to Daytona for the summer and would be back by now, but her Camry is still gone. The only thing hotter than the summer sun is the deep anxiety decaying my fragile heart. I want my roommate back.
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