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3 Quick and Easy Steps to Curb Reckless Cycling at UC Davis

Everyone who has traversed the bike-filled roads of UC Davis is well-aware that serious problems can be caused by someone who is distracted, asleep in the saddle, simply thinks that they are above the rules of road and/or physics. Therefore, before fall sets in, we’re introducing a new set of precautionary and disciplinary measures with the goals of increasing bike safety across campus and preventing you from hitting the floor in a pile of broken chains and bent spokes on your way to class.

3.) Cameras to record all incidents and collisions:
Cyclists going clockwise through bike circles or swerving back and forth into the oncoming lanes are an embarrassment, and major pain in the lil’ butt to students who, you know, actually use the bike circles correctly.

Therefore, come fall 2017, let’s make all students have cameras installed on their bicycles and person, at their own expense. It will be compulsory for the student to wear said camera at all times to analyze how any questionable behavior in their personal lives could negatively impact their future performance on a bicycle, and will provide useful evidence in deciding who’s the bigger idiot in wrecks. Oh? You’re the type of guy who stares at himself in the mirror at UCDHS? Probably going to be a dick on the bike paths.

Finally, in the event that a student is found guilty of causing an accident, the student will be forced to watch as a bike mechanic disassembles their beloved bicycle while their camera live-streams them watching and crying. The mechanic will either strip it for parts, deflating the tires ripping off the chain, or will simply go at the bike with a baseball bat, mob-style.

2.) Clip-in bike gloves to prevent hand-held distractions:
We’ve all seen serious cyclists who wear clip-in footwear while in the saddle, but how about clip-in hand wear? The Davis bike barn will be selling a new model of bike gloves that strap your hands to the handle bars, preventing you from holding phones and living your life without the presence of a bike.

That’s right! Bikers will be forced to wear clip-in hand wear at all times, taking their bikes with them to such places as the classroom, the dining hall, and even as they sleep. Biking on campus should be a lifestyle you literally lock into, not something you do willy-nilly while texting and waving and sorority so-and-sos.  

1.) Goal of phasing-out traditional bicycles in favor of self-riding bikes by 2025:
Over the next eight years, we as a university should phase out standard pedal-operated bicycles and replace them  with bikes that do all of the work for you.No, we don’t mean motorcycles, smart guy. With these autobikes, all you’d have to do is program your class locations and sit! BLAMO.

For students who rely on bike commuting as a form of exercise built into their daily routine, too bad! To make it more frustrating for the former cyclists, people who would normally buy electric or self-driving transportation products in the name of laziness/super-chillness can now do so in the name of safety.

Of course, some may fear that this new and ambitious set of policies is not practical and will be a nightmare to implement. And yes there are other “simpler” solutions to improve safety, like wearing helmets, but it became apparent that the efforts necessary to compel stubborn students to wear helmets were simply “too” practical.

Want to listen to a podcast on the bike? Listen to ours!


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