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Conservative Econ Major Emerges from Whole Earth Festival a Broke, Vegan English Major

On Friday, the 11th of May, freshman economics major Theodore Plimpton attended his first Whole Earth Festival. He attended again the next day, and again the day after that. This morning, he checked his bank account to the terrible sight of a single digit number.

Plimpton reflects, “I really don’t know what came over me. I just got my paycheck on Friday, and now it’s all gone. What do I have now, candles and soap? I bought soap from every stand, and there were a lot of soap stands. My apartment smells amazing, by the way.”

The festival goer spent a total of $215.23 on candles, soaps, geodes, teas, and jewelry. “One of the vendors told me her mist would make me feel like a goddess. It was $20, but I got a free lavender sachet with it so I felt like it was a good deal at the time,” adds Plimpton.

“I legit had to drag Ted to the festival with me. He said he wasn’t into any of this ‘hippy shit,’ but look at him now—smell him now. Dude’s never been cleaner. I high-fived him last night, and his hand was so soft. Honestly, I stole one of his soaps. Don’t include that though,” said his roommate. “I think all of the candles might be a fire hazard, though.”

Usually a hesitant spender, Plimpton’s budget did not plan for over $200 spent on handcrafted merchandise, especially not all in one weekend. But perhaps the most surprising thing of all is Plimpton’s nonchalance toward the current state of his finances.

“Look, I know I should be worried, but I am literally incapable of it with all of the stress-relieving aroma therapy I’ve been doing,” said Plimpton. “Plus I realized life shouldn’t revolve around money, you know. Poetry. Poetry is what makes us feel.”

The 18-year-old’s lack of stress also comes from his new financial plan: after buying and eating an $8 quesadilla at the festival, Plimpton has become a vegan. Meat is expensive, he told us. And if that doesn’t pan out, Plimpton still won’t worry because the fortune teller at the festival told him he would have “great fortune.”

While we wish him good luck with that, we think it more likely that he will have to default to another backup plan; he’ll have to ask his parents for $200. Unfortunately, there may not be much hope for this plan either.

His mother declined a full interview, only saying that she was very disappointed in her son for spending all of Mother’s Day buying candles instead of spending it with her. The only thing she received from her son on Sunday was a selfie of him posing with his festival haul. The accompanying text read, “Treat yo self!”

Please take a moment of silence for Theodore Plimpton’s financial stability.

Ok enough silence, listen to our podcast! 

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