A Drunk Review of Aggie Job Link

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What are the three most terrifying words at UC Davis? Aggie. Job. Link. This resource has its good intentions, but theyre similar to Cousin Eddies good intentions in National Lampoons Christmas Vacation: he fills the drainage system with unnecessary s*it.

And thats how Aggie Job Link works. It is Googles aunt that married into the family and tries to connect but doesnt know how. Aggie Job Link doesnt have the capacity to filter out specifics. Key words arent in its vernacular (which is a difficult word to spell when not sober… apparently there isnt a “k”). Finding a job is hard enough, but try combining it with an online system that doesnt understand clicking onto the next page doesnt mean I want to go back to the beginning of the hundreds of results.

Perhaps its the Coors Light talking, but I wanted to conquer this beast of adult virtual reality, and being an English major, I wanted to see what my options truly are out there in the real-life world of jobs. I decided to go through the grueling process of personally categorizing potential listings, and listed below are my top seven because eight is one too many and I am very very on the verge of being very very drunk:

7.) C# Developer

So, I wont be working with dogs at this job? Why is their mascot Lassies cousin? What does ecommerce even mean? If thats supposed to say “commerce” its spelled wrong. Even as an English major, I dont just add an “e” onto the beginning of every sentence. Ethat ewould ebe eannoying. Also, doesnt the hashtag go before the word? The several Fortune 500 clientssounds impressivea person with $500 on Wheel of Fortune can buy a couple good vowels.

Regulatory Compliance Clerk

Heres my question for the QA Department: does gathering data” include tasting the jelly beans no one likes? Would I be that person experimenting with odd flavors? Or is this some computer science crap Im not competent with because Ive spent three years analyzing comma structure and British literature? And whats with the various Alum, Other? If anyone graduated from any school can apply, how about Greg the Dog? He just graduated from potty-training class. Hed know a thing or two about kibble flavor. And by “regulatory” does it mean Ill be traveling internationally on the regular? Lets hope I win that Wheel of Fortune prize puzzle.

Harvest Cellar Intern

I imagine the cellar work assignments are similar to that I Love Lucy episode where she stomps around in the big bucket of grapes. Now, by “self-starting” does this mean I take my own initiative in choosing what wines to guzzle during my lunch break? Also, is cake provided and does it come in a loaf like bread? I could easily pass the time here reading some great classic novelsits an English majors dream!

Medical Scribe

First and foremost, does this job have a Bartleby option where I can say Id rather not complete these tasks today?” If not, I propose this be an option specifically geared toward Monday (if this reference is confusing then youre not an English major). Also, how does one “gain first-hand experience” by solely copying down documents? Ive been writing essays for years and the only first-hand experience I received was a sore hand. Correct me if Im wrong, but I think medical assistance is a hands-on field? Perhaps if this was a medical drama like Greys Anatomy, then a scribe would be necessary for better scripts.  

Garden and Housework Helper

Does “garden experience” count if I cultivated sunflowers by spitting out my seeds in the backyard one summer and they grew into a field of daunting yellow-petaled pillars? Cause Id say thats quite an experience for a seven-year-old. Is the “light house work” just dusting, or is it similar to my parentsdefinition of a quick cleaning where Im suddenly vacuuming, mopping, washing windows, and raking leaves simultaneously? The difference between weeds and non-weeds is the “non,” right? Also, the job description is a fragment and is really bugging me.

Office Assistant

Can I use this position to recreate my own parody show of Office Space? Why? Im an English major and all were taught to do is write. Its a UC Davis requirement that I take a University Writing Program class. I cant insert complicated codes into a computer! Also, will this job in any way, shape, or form represent the hilarious antics of the television show, The Office? No? Never mind.

Front end Developer

Whatd ya know, we came full circle. This position is slightly different from the backward hashtag in that its building websites instead of tearing them apart. I have a new website design: get rid of Rin-Tin-Tin. Im the biggest fan of dogs ever, even if I barely reach a five-foot frame, and I see this logo with a happy heart until I click on it and read “technology dream.” The English major in me is cringing. Id like to think Im bright, not too blinding, but I havent the slightest idea how to shape ecommerces future. Maybe thats a job for only himself.

Reminder for those drinking along that this new indented sentence marks the end of my article. Yes, Ive paid thousands of dollars to study and regurgitate the components of sentences, and congrats for reading this far. If any of the above positions actually make sense to you (and youre not an English major) feel free to apply to them, but do so before they enter the Aggie Job Link vortex of I Saw That Ten Minutes Ago But Where Did It Go?. Remember, finding a job is only as difficult as Aggie Job Link makes it out to be.

WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.