What are the three most terrifying words at UC Davis? Aggie. Job. Link. This resource has its good intentions, but they’re similar to Cousin Eddie’s good intentions in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: he fills the drainage system with unnecessary s*it.
And that’s how Aggie Job Link works. It is Google’s aunt that married into the family and tries to connect but doesn’t know how. Aggie Job Link doesn’t have the capacity to filter out specifics. Key words aren’t in its vernacular (which is a difficult word to spell when not sober… apparently there isn’t a “k”). Finding a job is hard enough, but try combining it with an online system that doesn’t understand clicking onto the next page doesn’t mean I want to go back to the beginning of the hundreds of results.
Perhaps it’s the Coors Light talking, but I wanted to conquer this beast of adult virtual reality, and being an English major, I wanted to see what my options truly are out there in the real-life world of jobs. I decided to go through the grueling process of personally categorizing potential listings, and listed below are my top seven because eight is one too many and I am very very on the verge of being very very drunk:
7.) C# Developer
So, I won’t be working with dogs at this job? Why is their mascot Lassie’s cousin? What does ecommerce even mean? If that’s supposed to say “commerce” it’s spelled wrong. Even as an English major, I don’t just add an “e” onto the beginning of every sentence. Ethat ewould ebe eannoying. Also, doesn’t the hashtag go before the word? The “several Fortune 500 clients” sounds impressive— a person with $500 on Wheel of Fortune can buy a couple good vowels.
Regulatory Compliance Clerk
Here’s my question for the QA Department: does “gathering data” include tasting the jelly beans no one likes? Would I be that person experimenting with odd flavors? Or is this some computer science crap I’m not competent with because I’ve spent three years analyzing comma structure and British literature? And what’s with the various Alum, Other? If anyone graduated from any school can apply, how about Greg the Dog? He just graduated from potty-training class. He’d know a thing or two about kibble flavor. And by “regulatory” does it mean I’ll be traveling internationally on the regular? Let’s hope I win that Wheel of Fortune prize puzzle.
Harvest Cellar Intern
I imagine the cellar work assignments are similar to that I Love Lucy episode where she stomps around in the big bucket of grapes. Now, by “self-starting” does this mean I take my own initiative in choosing what wines to guzzle during my lunch break? Also, is cake provided and does it come in a loaf like bread? I could easily pass the time here reading some great classic novels— it’s an English major’s dream!
First and foremost, does this job have a Bartleby option where I can say “I’d rather not complete these tasks today?” If not, I propose this be an option specifically geared toward Monday (if this reference is confusing then you’re not an English major). Also, how does one “gain first-hand experience” by solely copying down documents? I’ve been writing essays for years and the only first-hand experience I received was a sore hand. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think medical assistance is a hands-on field? Perhaps if this was a medical drama like Grey’s Anatomy, then a scribe would be necessary for better scripts.
Garden and Housework Helper
Does “garden experience” count if I cultivated sunflowers by spitting out my seeds in the backyard one summer and they grew into a field of daunting yellow-petaled pillars? ‘Cause I’d say that’s quite an experience for a seven-year-old. Is the “light house work” just dusting, or is it similar to my parents’ definition of a quick cleaning where I’m suddenly vacuuming, mopping, washing windows, and raking leaves simultaneously? The difference between weeds and non-weeds is the “non,” right? Also, the job description is a fragment and is really bugging me.
Can I use this position to recreate my own parody show of Office Space? Why? I’m an English major and all we’re taught to do is write. It’s a UC Davis requirement that I take a University Writing Program class. I can’t insert complicated codes into a computer! Also, will this job in any way, shape, or form represent the hilarious antics of the television show, The Office? No? Never mind.
Front end Developer
What’d ya know, we came full circle. This position is slightly different from the backward hashtag in that it’s building websites instead of tearing them apart. I have a new website design: get rid of Rin-Tin-Tin. I’m the biggest fan of dogs ever, even if I barely reach a five-foot frame, and I see this logo with a happy heart until I click on it and read “technology dream.” The English major in me is cringing. I’d like to think I’m bright, not too blinding, but I haven’t the slightest idea how to shape ecommerce’s future. Maybe that’s a job for only himself.
Reminder for those drinking along that this new indented sentence marks the end of my article. Yes, I’ve paid thousands of dollars to study and regurgitate the components of sentences, and congrats for reading this far. If any of the above positions actually make sense to you (and you’re not an English major) feel free to apply to them, but do so before they enter the Aggie Job Link vortex of “I Saw That Ten Minutes Ago But Where Did It Go?”. Remember, finding a job is only as difficult as Aggie Job Link makes it out to be.
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.