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Riot Breaks Out as Students Fight to Register For Chem2A

Get your pitchforks and your pass times ready–UC Davis pass times are available. 

When pass time for class registration became available last week, students took part in small demonstrations throughout campus that eventually escalated into a full-scale riot. 

It all began when freshman NPB major Josh Peckler got into a fight with roommate Leonard Schmitt after they were automatically assigned the same pass time.

“It all seemed great at first,” Peckler said. “We coordinated our classes together to maximize bro time, we planned for the same Chem2A section, we created a dream board of our ideal classes, and we even made a color-coordinator calendar. But then the pass times attacked. With every day that passed, the number of seats dwindled down until our Chem2A class had one seat left. I wasn’t about to let that dick steal my spot.”

The RA for the third of Potter Hall described the situation as “the worst thing since the great cow riots of ’69.”

“This is every RAs worst fear,” said the RA, who wished to remain anoymous. “They literally started beating each other up, and it was my responsibility to break it up. I actually had to do my job! But as soon as they started, fights spread to the other rooms, other floors and soon spread throughout the entirety of Tercero.”

Second-year microbiology major, Andy Peel, happened to be studying in the library when the whole catastrophe started.

“I was just studying in the library when I heard a huge ruckus outside,” Peel said. “When I went out to inspect, I just found tons of students beating the living hell out of each other and I heard one yell, ‘THIS IS FOR CHEM2A’ as she punched a dude in the jaw. Right then, I was overcome by the rage of all pass times past and I couldn’t help but join in. It was like a fever–I just couldn’t stop.”

“It was a disgusting display of violence, but like totally called for,” said UC Davis chancellor, Gary S. May, in a statement. “I’m sure Katehi had something to do with this.

“What conclusion can be taken away from this disastrous outbreak?” May asked. “Well, after all this rioting, it seems clear: Fuck limited seating.”

 

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