Last Tuesday, third-year environmental science major, Amber Parks, discovered that unlike everybody else on campus, she did not, in fact, hate Davis allergy season. Not because she has been blessed with a body that does not experience symptoms—she genuinely enjoys the terrible symptoms!
“I don’t understand what the problem is! Allergies are the best. You can feel the pollen sticking the inside of your nostrils and you get this wonderful stinging feeling,” Parks said, gazing lovingly at a tree. “The pollen from the cum trees is the best—I love the smell of fresh jizz in springtime.”
Park’s love for her allergies was discovered when she left a notebook full of uncomfortably-sexual love poems for nature’s nuisance in Giedt lecture hall. A TA for her urban planning class, Jefferey Kim, saw that she left it and when he grabbed it to return to her, he began to read her wonderful works.
“They were absolutely beautiful,” Kim raved. “She wrote about her allergy symptoms as if they were the love of her life. When I realized she was writing these works for allergy season, I was astonished, and I had to share them on the internet! Everyone needed to know that this anomaly of a person really existed.”
“I never knew I was gifted,” Parks said. “But I guess it makes sense. When everyone around me was miserable at the start of each spring, I was always jumping for joy. And I truly feel the most beautiful with a snot-covered nose and itchy eyes.”
As more students at UCD discovered Parks’s gift, she acquired a small, pollen-loving following in what some are calling, “pollen-amorous.” The leader of her following is first-year fine arts major, Quinn Vick.
Vick had always suffered from horrendous pollen allergies, and when he saw Park’s especially positive look on hers, she gave him hope.
“She really is my guardian angel,” Vick said through a horrendous cough. “She has showed me that a unique view on something disliked by all can completely change the way that you experience it. I spend most of my time following her and recording her advice. When I’m not logging her preachings, I myself am spreading her good word to others, and spreading her allergies as well.”
Quickly, this anomaly turned into the newest religious craze to sweep the campus of UCD. If your eyes aren’t red, puffy or swollen shut, keep a look out for her increasingly large cultish following. And make sure you bring some extra tissues.