College can be a lonely place, especially when you’re constantly reminded how single you are by your parents every time you call home begging for more money. With spring quickly approaching, love is in the air, and people are on the lookout for their future spring fling. If you’re severely lacking in the love department, this article is dedicated to you. Just whip out one of these five guaranteed ways to seduce that stranger you’ve been eyeing at the CoHo, and you can thank us later by sending us an invite to your wedding.
5.) Spill all the lids on the ground:
Today and everyday is all about that booty. Maybe flat butts were all the rage in the 2000s, but not anymore. So grab their attention by “accidentally” spilling all of the plastic drink lids at Swirlz (it’s actually super easy to do, people do it all the time) and slowly bend over to reveal your greatest ass-et. You’re not clumsy, you’re smooth as hell, and someone will definitely be into it. Just maybe not the people who work at the Coho or environmentalists who see you’ve just contaminated 50 lids.
4.) “Accidentally” grab their drink after it’s made:
This one is really easy! When one of the baristas at Swirlz calls out a name, grab the drink and wait until the real owner confronts you. Just keep your fingers crossed that you picked “hot John from English class” and not “John your 60-year-old bio professor.” Either way, this is such an easy in for conversation. You can either pretend you have the same name or pretend you’re hard of hearing to play the sympathy card. If they’re total jerks about it, keep the drink and tell them to go fuck themselves!
3.) Obnoxiously clear out a table for them:
There are never free tables at the CoHo when you need them, and if you find a free one. you should probably go buy a lottery ticket. Make someone feel like absolute royalty by loudly forcing out an entire table just so they have somewhere to sit (right next to you). They basically owe you their life now for such an act of kindness, so go ahead and capitalize on that one.
2.) Buy them a pastry and write “hottie” on it with frosting:
This approach is a little more forward than the rest, but even if they think you’re gross and creepy, they’ll probably love the free food. Approach them and kindly ask if they’d like a free pastry because you’ve accidentally bought one too many, then slyly give them the one that says “hottie.” Make no comment and wait for them so react. If the reaction is good you’re set to go. If not, it’s probably best to run.
1.) Wear a shirt that says “I’ll be your Co-HOE”
Wear a baggy sweatshirt and stake out a spot in the CoHo with some good lighting and low foot traffic. Find an attractive person and make super serious eye contact with them, like seriously mad dog the shit out of them. Maintain intense eye contact while slowly unzipping your sweater to reveal your glorious shirt beneath with the message, “I’ll be your CoHOE.” If it doesn’t get you a date, it’ll probably get you a good laugh, or maybe dismissed from school.
Believe in yourself, and go gettem’ Aggies. Trust us, as long as you follow these steps, you’ll be set!