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An Open Letter to Hibachi-San at UC Riverside

After the ousting of the Panda Express-owned sushi restaurant that placed itself at the Mt. Rushmore of HUB eateries, the head foodies at UCR replaced it with the latest fad in a bowl: poke. It’s a Hawaiian-style equivalent to Chipotle, but rather than dousing salsas atop three strands of carnitas, it’s an amalgam of fish mixed in with greens that’ll convince you you’re eating healthy until you discover sodium’s effects.

For a dish that people here at The Black Sheep UCR all agree “ain’t half bad,” it seemed too easy to let this new restaurant be a royal mistake. Take that wishful thinking and shove it up your bro’s ass: Hibachi-San resulted in a maritime mishap that deserves to be buried 1,000 leagues down undah! This odyssey of criticism will be exclusive with the customer service because they’re fellow mans and lady-mans working for The Man. Here is a letter to Hibachi-San addressing the blunder behind that first visit. 

Dear Hibachi-San,

In a stint of disgraceful misuse of culture and labels that could make Mickey Rooney’s character in Breakfast at Tiffany‘s blush, you set up a false tent of culture under a Japanese guise to sell shit that isn’t even Japanese.

After typing in “Hibachi-San” to the online dialect decryption module that is Google Translate, the translation led to a “Mr. Fire Bowl.” First, your bowls are not fire—a piece of modern colloquialism that implies something is good. If anything, our bowels are on fire after trying the sour salmon, salty seaweed salad, costly imitation crab, and ANGUS BEEF—an unheard-of travesty that’s equivalent to adding chicken nuggets to a Southern-style BBQ plate—at your wrongly-titled establishment. The salmon offered at this eatery had to be the most unforgivable slice of the sea to have happened since the overrated, long-awaited Finding Dory.

Tongues that have never rolled out of a generic trait can learn to do so by tasting the additionally-priced imitation crab that carries the flavor notes of basketball sneakers. If Andrew Zimmern ran out of strange locations to eat cow dung and peacock hips, he should place the HUB on his radar because the strangest thing to arise out of extra charges at poke restaurants is paying for crab meat; only to have this meat give you two days, at the very least, of bubble guts and in-bathroom meditation sessions.

This is all coming from a college chap who doesn’t mind medium fries and McChicken’s on the daily, these taste buds aren’t approaching the matter with the skill of, say, an Anthony Bourdain. A destined classic in the food fads of the early 21st century made its way to the beloved food hall of UCR and will find its exit through any canal we choose to squeeze it out of.

Brimming with potential to dethrone the infallible Panda Express and hope to provide a respite from the overpriced mediocre quality that is sprawled about UC Riverside, Hibachi-San dropped the ball anchor on this one by becoming overpriced void of any enjoyment. Invest in a pack of Huggies if you’re spending $11 on a bowl at the San, the most inauthentic bowl of poke be found in the heart of the most diverse UC.

Most sincerely,

The Black Sheep 

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