How to: Avoid Paying UCR Tuition
We’ve all heard the rumor: get hit by a RTA Bus, get free tuition! And who wouldn’t want free tuition? So we present… a step-by-step guide on how to convincingly get run over by a RTA Bus.
Step 1: “Go for a Run”
Put in headphones, and ensure that you’re listening to a podcast, audiobook, or a documentary. This creates the image of a studious, innocent person and ensures that the bus driver can’t claim that your music was too loud to hear them.
Step 2: Play the Part
Wear a knee brace of sorts to highlight your fragile, weak nature, and your inability to outrun the bus once you realized that it was coming towards you.
Step 3: Come Prepared
Bring a bottle of Gatorade or ketchup to spill on the ground next to you so that it seems like you’re profusely bleeding, and incapable of living without medical attention.
Step 4: Hire Support
Persuade friends to join in by bribing them with all of the food that you will be able to buy now that you don’t have to pay tuition. Have a few friends at the bus stop who cry and scream, escalating the situation. Also, it’s important to have at least one friend on the bus itself to distract the driver when the time comes, and to bear witness to the fact that this is, in fact, all the driver’s fault.
Step 5: Strike
Run out in front of the bus casually just before one of its stops when it’s moving fast enough to appear to cause damage, but not so much that you die.
Step 6: Freeze
When you reach the middle of the road, freeze up like a deer in headlights. Pretend like you don’t see the bus until it was too late, and your fear kept you paralyzed.
Step 7: Play Dead
Fake an injury. Fake multiple injuries. Do whatever it takes for the EMTs to cart you away, sirens blaring, and put as many casts on as possible. Riverside Transit Agency (RTA) will have to pay your medical bills anyways.
Step 8: Find a Lawyer
To find a lawyer, just visit the Rivera Library. There you’ll find plenty of future lawyers just begging for a practice case, and they’ll practically pay to represent you. Congratulations, you now have a free ride to UCR. You probably won’t be allowed on buses anymore, and you technically can’t pledge your honor, but hey, you won’t have those college loans when you graduate.
*Disclaimer: being run over by a RTA will not actually get you free tuition. It will just get you run over.
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