Disappointing: Classmate Lands Summer Internship Helping Mom Around The House and All You Got Was This Stupid Hat

author-pic at UC Riverside  

With graduation quickly approaching, college seniors are just now beginning to scramble for spots in the job market. In just two short months, your classmate will have landed an internship helping his mom around the house; a position that will surely lead to further career opportunities; and all you’ll have is a stupid hat.

The hat isn’t that bad, it has a fun tassel thing that you can use to entertain the neighborhood cats this summer. But Tom from your advanced communications class got the hat and the job.

While you shamefully jerk off five times a day even though you don’t really want to, Tom will be earning a starting salary of $15 a week and free room and board at his paid internship, neighbors report. While you try to explain spreadsheets and media buying to your foolish little hat, Tom will be learning new skill sets that will “set him apart from everyone else in the business world,” you commented to yourself in the bathroom mirror.  

Just this year alone, it’s been predicted that 4 out of 5 college graduates will end up with idiotic tiny hats; leaving the fifth to go on to become a valuable member of society. Government officials were unable to be reached for comment on the issue, however one White House correspondent did release a statement to The Black Sheep reporter Alison Hall: “Sucks to suck, suckers!”

When we asked your mom why she didn’t hire you as a summer intern like Tom’s, all she had to say was, “In this economy?”

Sources report that along with paying for meals and transportation throughout the internship, Tom’s mother will also be providing cheap housing in her basement that’s rumored to have a pool table.

“It’s all about the connections,” Tom said when we asked about his new position. “I got lucky, and I’m definitely going to use this opportunity to work my way up. I hear there’s a job opening for fat angry guy who yells at the TV, and I’m really gunning for it!”

“My parents are getting divorced,” he explained to our confused reporters.

Prospects are looking great for Tom and his future, while you and your shitty hat are predicted to remain stationary and collect dust for the rest of the summer.