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The Ultimate Highlander: What Makes the Perfect UCR Student

If you thought an amalgam of UC Riverside’s finest sensibilities could not be melted down to one specimen, worry not. The Black Sheep and its lab of graduates with Bachelor’s degrees in creative writing have come together to manufacture the perfect Highlander:

7.) Acumen:
Doesn’t mind a nervous breakdown from time-to-time. Can probably name every Newton Law of Motion. Smarter than Davis student, standoff-ish to UCLA folk. Gives a Pavlovian response of “I’m triggered!” to any ideology that’s remotely Libertarian.

6.) Legs:
Stronger than any other UC student’s. Years of climbing to the C and enduring marathons in traveling from class-to-class has granted superhuman strength to Highlanders. Also, useful for jumping over students to get to your seat at UNLH rather than awkwardly maneuvering over them with a face full of ass.

5.) Arms:
All the grunts echoing through SRC have met their payday. Toned, veiny arms carry the load of lab supplies along with a half-ass lunch to keep you from overspending at the Barn. Bulky triceps trained by every time you fell on your ass after syllabus week and managed to pull yourself up. Definition is maintained by pushing fellow Highlanders out of the way to pick up your paper in front of lecture.

4.) Eyes:
Slight hazel with a constant tinge of red surrounding the cornea from long hours of reading and hotboxing at Lot 26. Able to reach a PowerPoint even when assigned a seat in the back. Able to spot outsiders with picket signs at the base of the Bell Tower in order to find a different path to Orbach.

3.) Ears:
Able to listen to a roomie’s meltdown and detect every hint of emotion in their prose. Outstanding sense of who said the forbidden word (“Tr*mp”) in a crowded room. Can immediately hear their number called at the Habit even in the midst of an uproar made by the group of students who watch soccer games at Lat 55 rather than show up to class. Can also hear students having sex two floors beneath them at AI.

2.) Hands:
Strong enough to grasp a TA’s throat in an attempt to make that B+ into an A-. Touch-types lecture notes for PowerPoints that are already posted on iLearn. Can hold a 15 lbs. picket fence during the weekly protest of (fill in grievance here). Great for grasping the fifth cup of coffee by noon.

1.) Style:
Can range from “homeless” to “New York Fashion Week” depending on what week of the semester it is. When an effort is made, will look qualified and professional enough to land an internship at Black Angus. Capable of receiving random handfuls of pocket change or single dollar bills when “bumming it,” even though it was assumed they could rock sweatpants and still look fashionable. UC Riverside merchandise made possible through 50% Cyber Monday deals. Immediately superior in style if upgraded to the “Japanese Foreign Exchange Student” version of the Ultimate Highlander software update 2.0, complimentary with Herschel backpack, Supreme outfit, and Yeezy Boosts. Face mask optional.

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