Wish to learn from the best how to be an asshole toward the UCR staff and community but have no clue how to go about it? Well, look no further, with just 5 simple tasks, you too can move up the ranks of assholery with this guide.
5.) The Coffee Sipper:
This is the luxury of having a Coffee Bean smack dab on campus, you can grab a cold or hot drink and leisurely drink it during your class. Take it a step further. Pick a lecture, discussion, workshop, or lab you’d like to hone your assholery skills in and enter the room with a cup in your hand. If you’d like to go even further with it, enter the classroom late and slowly walk to your seat, slurping your drink as loud as you can. For added effects, slurp whenever a student or the instructor is speaking.
4.) Furtive Flatus:
The next time you feel the need to break wind, pick a lecture hall, it can be one you’re enrolled in or lecture hall filled with unsuspecting victims. During the first ten minutes spent with students filing in and out of the room as the next class is about to begin, slowly release the built-up fumes, paying extra careful to keeping it as silent and deadly as possible. Begin the satisfying walk out of the lecture hall while catching the twisted expressions of those getting hit with the slowly spreading gas.
3.) What Study Guide?
There are occasionally those courses that require a substantial amount of studying for midterms and finals. It is during those last-minute efforts to study that the Google Doc Study Guide comes out where everyone in the course adds information to share with the class in their studying. Not on your watch. A quick tap of the Command + A buttons will quickly make all that effort disappear. Don’t want to take such a big approach? Scroll through the twenty pages of Study Guide, pausing every few moments to toss in some useless fact or inaccurate information that’ll be sure to screw over your peers on the upcoming midterm or final.
2.) Claim Lot 30:
Unless you have a morning class, you’re not likely to easily find parking in the dreaded Lot 30 parking lot of UCR, making it a frustrating effort to cruise around in the hopes that someone will conveniently vacate a space as you’re driving by. To guarantee yourself a parking space, park right next to the stairs at the front of the lot, staring at the students entering the parking lot, eventually following them all the way to their car. Yeah there is a line of cars behind you that can’t get around you because you’re blocking the only path, but screw those guys, right? Don’t forget to turn on your hazards, no need to be that much of an asshole.
1.) Appreciate The Trees:
UCR has an oddly large number of Callery Pear trees, mostly referred to as Cum Trees for their distinct scent of semen. There are days where the smell isn’t as potent, but on breezy days, those are the days where the scent is so unavoidable you might as well have the trees’ flowers shoved up your nostrils. It’s on these days that it’s your chance to strike on unsuspecting victims. Take someone that’s unfamiliar with the trees or still new to campus and casually steer them past Coffee Bean, where the smell is strongest. Once you’re close enough, inhale deeply through your nose and comment on how amazing it smells. You suffer for a few seconds as the deep whiff makes your nose sting, but it’s so worth the pain when your victim follows suit and practically doubles over from the smell.
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.