Recent studies have shown that college students are “online as hell.” As tech and connectivity surges in use for the millenial generation of college students, life plugged in is the unexpected Matrix Y2K could never predict: Frat parties have been abandoned for LAN parties, and gold chains are replaced with USB cords. It’s a good time to be lonely and connected AF. As Highlander bask in the luxury of having the most modernized look of all the UC campuses—Merced being the newest blood, but still appearing as if though put together by the recycled schematic of a Walmart that never opened—accessibility to the WWW gets Highlanders logged on 25/7. These are (probably) the the most-visited sites by UC Riversidians.
Commonly-searched questions include: “10 steps to making meth”; “Do I need a food handler’s card for stripping?”; “How to effectively beg for change”; “How to make gnocchi with meat sauce”; and “Losing college fat and debt.”
5.) TheOnion.com (*COUGH* TheBlackSheepOnline.com *COUGH*):
Actual news and farcical accounts are hard to distinguish in the current political epoch. This also explains why many Highlanders are thoroughly convinced Jared Kushner is the same guy in the Subway commercials.
Sometimes, we don’t speak good on the computer. After putting an archive of essays through the grinder for ENG1A, B, and C, parlance coaches and therapists have redirected you to a site that un-fucks your speech. Highlanders love to copy blocks of their writing and post it on this site that will be like “yah” or “nah” to your opinion piece on whether Thomas Jefferson was a beta-male.
Sneeze once, shame on you. Sneeze consecutively for a minute, time for a mammogram. With three-fourths of your university declared in a non-scientific field, you may encounter a gaggle of folk that could not tell a cyst from a pimple. Fortunately, Highlanders turn to WebMd before making inaccurate assumptions of genital warts and correctly inform themselves of what can and won’t kill them. Thus, ending the 2013 panic on campus when four students allegedly passed from a case of “bad vibes.”
When choosing between food or textbooks, Highlanders find the middle ground through eBay. While that copy of Psychology Today has blood stains and pages torn out, at least it’ll leave you with enough coin to afford a soda and Snickers.
Your parents always said they would fund your artisanal line of canned Baba Ghanouj on two conditions: get a degree and get a job. Now that the former is right around the corner, getting a job has become a red alert as you have spent the last four years sprawled on a couch in the middle of a crumbling Falkirk apartment. Time to hop on Indeed.com for the quickest way for online job shopping and get yourself on the fast-track to learning to accept rejection. Think Tinder’s the site where young adults get rejected most? Try Indeed.com with little/no life experience and prepared to be humbled. Little by little, you begin entertaining that “Miguel Jr.’s Social Media Coordinator” position after being rejected by actual jobs several times a day.
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast with Twitter’s @Rad_Milk!