UCR Third-Year Desperate for New Issue to Protest

author-pic at UC Riverside  

Scott McCarthy fled the confines of Lothian minutes to midnight on a Week 6 Tuesday. Face paralyzed in a trance as he gazed at his moving footsteps, he caught himself circling the Bell Tower with a defiant fist holding a phantom post that would have read, “My Diet Consists of UCR’s Lies and Larry’s Complete Cookies”.

Scott was hungry, not for perishables, but for a movement. “When it comes to protesting, I find purpose,” McCarthy confessed in a Black Sheep exclusive interview with the third-year Psychology major and former impulse shopper.

Meeting over a cup of coffee at the local Arcade Roasters in a rented-out storage space at the request of a maverick Scott who firmly claims the on-campus coffee shops sell “venti cups of corporate bullshit and mini scones of oligarchy”, he elucidated his passion over protesting through a sense of unity and power that students embark on when they assemble for a cause.

“People call me the Edward Murrow of UCR’s student body. Good night, and good fucking try, he was at least 3 inches taller than me,” Scott confessed.

Coming off a socially polemic fall quarter, Scott never had to look far in pursuit of an issue to stand up for. “From gender equality, overseas policy, and a push for 3-ply toilet paper in every UCR restroom, I’ve been the nucleus for awareness. Protesting around campus, covering space between Lot 50 to KUCR, for hours a day also put me at my physical peak. Sacrificing gym time in favor of your 8 a.m. class and 11 a.m. HUB march against hunting extinct ostriches? Support your picket sign with a snakewood stake for upper body work and ankle weights for legs.”

The social scene at UCR has been kind to Scott and the group of students who show up to these rallies by giving ear to potential issues and adjusting to create an atmosphere of progress. Pleased by the results on a macro level, Scott has found that by creating solutions, problems disappear. Without conflict there is nothing to fuel another protest. “Society here has become too steadfast!” McCarthy confesses, as he brainstorms amid the conversation to conjure up a reason to assemble with his peace pals.

“You know what’s been grinding my Grindr account…that dang Bear in the kilt. By glorifying this apex beast, we’ve turn our back to the very endangered spotted salamander. Let’s put one of those in a parka and make it the mascot instead!”

Following up on McCarthy’s obsession with revolting, several friends within his personal sphere stepped forward on the issue-less issue. High school friend and naughty boy Theodore Yarn called Scott out for once demanding Yarn not support companies that test their toothpaste on animals. Alongside Theodore was Amy Tarts, who confessed to a time when Scott dug his hands into her salad because it wasn’t handpicked by local artisanal champions.

As a form of reaching out to Scott, friends and family have scheduled a march outside his dorm in A.I..

Like booze before noon? So do these guys…