Janet Napolitano Swears Missing $175 Million “Must Be Around Here Somewhere”

author-pic at UC Riverside  

Janet Napolitano, who has been President of the University of California System since 2013, met with reporters early Wednesday morning to talk about the recent audit that found the University of California was hiding $175 million dollars in unreported funds.

“$175 million dollars?” asked about the Napolitano, frantically rummaging through her desk drawers. “Oh, that’s right. I just had it… it must be somewhere around here,” She said, shoving papers off her desk and thumbing through envelopes..

Many California residents are in an uproar over the secret funds, especially since the University of California system just voted to increase tuition by 2.5 percent. When asked if she thought that the tuition hike was unnecessary given the extra funds, Napolitano stated that the students should “be more worried about their education than about something as superficial as money.”

“Plus,” she added while poking her head up from under her desk, “aren’t there those free things? Loans, I think they’re called.”

While attempting to pry one of her desk drawers open, the handle flew off and disappeared amidst the scattered documents. “Sorry, it’s been awhile since I’ve used this place for more than just storage,” Napolitano said to reporters.

The Office of the President issued an official press release assuring the public that tuition was kept as low as possible while still offering all of the necessary resources. They also said that the money is handled very carefully by 10 executives who are paid $3.7 million dollars a year.

Napolitano’s fellow employees tell reporters that they’re hopeful the money will turn up. “Ms. Napolitano once lost an intern in her office,” on of her secretaries told reporters. “He turned up four months later near a pile of unfinished initiatives with her latte still in his hands.”

According to sources inside the Office, the floor hasn’t been seen in two years, a growing pile of written student concerns and federal tax forms covering every bit of hardwood floor. Napolitano told reporters that she hasn’t checked the closet yet. “I doubt the money would be in there. I haven’t opened those closet doors since I put all of my old scrapbooks in there.”

“I could’ve sworn I left a couple million in here a few months ago,” the president said, sifting through a metal filing cabinet.

After thoroughly searching her office for 15 minutes, Napolitano called her secretary to bring her a herbal tea while she sat down to rest. “This job is pretty demanding and sometimes I forget that it’s okay for me to take some time for myself too.”

Napolitano went on record to assure the public that there was no need to worry about the $175 million dollars and worst case scenario, if the money wasn’t located soon, she would get the money back by hiking up tuition another 10%. At press time, Napolitano was using official documents to clean up spilled herbal tea.

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