UCSB dorms are wracked with the wheezing sounds of viral torment. Plandles, bongs, and backwoods alike become the messengers of sorrow, congestion, and missed midterms. Lacking such gratuitous luxuries as “health care” and “basic standards of sanitation” many Gauchos are left defenseless against the assault of flu season. However, students have now developed these effective, easy to make home remedies for a wide range of illnesses plaguing the population of Isla Vista.
Severe nasal congestion, headaches, and sore throats run rampant from 65 to 68. Use this wonderful beverage to soothe your throat, restore your sense of smell, and subdue the pounding in your head. Brought to you by NyQuil’s aggressive older brother, codeine.
- 2 cups of chamomile tea
- ½ tablespoon of honey
- 1 can of Grape Fanta
- At least five times the recommended dosage of codeine
ChamomiLean has been passed down by generations of UCSB frat boys, and is proven to work. Feel free to make it when you’re not sick too, since that’s probably what our forefathers would’ve wanted.
Get a bad burrito at DLG? Unrelenting, violent nausea got you feeling dehydrated? With this handy 2 in 1 stomach cleanser/electrolyte boost, you’ll be back on your feet and scarfing down Freebs nachos with the best of them in no time.
- 1 bottle of Gatorade or Powerade, drank down below the label.
- 1 flask of Everclear, administered liberally
- Any day old mixies on the coffee table or kitchen counter, to taste
While lemon-lime is widely regarded as the best color for intestinal rehabilitation, there is no actual data to back this up so that is up to the user.
To many, death is preferable to a fever. As the thermometer rises, their will to live plummets. If you are one of these spineless wretches who regress to infancy at the first sign of a hot flash, then Xanadryl may be right for you. Just make it all fade away with this fast acting fever and reality suppressant that you can whip up on the edge of your very own toilet seat.
- crush up a box of Benadryl tablets
- Mix crushed up powder with a bar or two of that good ol’ Alprazolam
- Rail that shit like there’s no tomorrow
For those with no days off, Benadryl Rise And Shine® will put the extra spring in your step to get through a long day. The secret ingredient, one heftly eight-ball of that good Columbian booger sugar. Side effects may include numbing of the facial muscles, delusions of immortality, and cardiac arrest.
As many a medical professional will say, the best medicine is prevention. Take on flu season with confidence by boosting your immune system in both your sinuses and stomach.
- 1 box of Orange Emergen-C packets
- A fifth of Ciroc vodka
- Balls of Steel
Every Gaucho knows that bottle-sharing and joint-passing are perfectly safe as long as one knocks back enough fizzy fruit powder to turn one’s skin orange. And what better way to soothe an aching belly than soaking it in fermented potato water?
The best way to combat flu season is to start every day with a strong, healthy body. A good breakfast is the first step to making sure your immune system is ready for anything. Alternatively, you can get so blasted at 8 o’clock in the morning that you don’t go outside the whole day and therefore are never exposed to the flu.
- 1 box of instant oatmeal
- Milk or Water
- An entire block of CannaButter
This magical mixture will make sure your ass stays glued to that nice sanitary couch. Assuming it is a couch, not a leather demon slowly pulling you down into its belly. You never know, man.
The Black Sheep accepts no legal responsibility for any side effects caused by the use of these remedies. Everyone knows not to take health advice from the internet, even though you all know us as a very safe and very trustworthy source of news.
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