On the average Monday morning, students and faculty alike shuffle about aimlessly, with normal human interaction replaced with an array of grunts, bumps, and nods. Every so often, however, a particular professor will stand out from the zombified post-weekend masses. What could put such a spring in his step? By treating someone just the way you wish he’d treat your homework of course – slamming them on a desk and doing them all night long. Here are the telltales signs that your professor has been fucking something other than your GPA for a change:
5.) The smell:
Or rather, lack thereof. Normally, anyone walking by the podium to turn in an assignment would be assaulted by a truly flattening musk. Office hours turn into a BO dungeon after exchanging a few sentences of greeting. If these nasal invasions suddenly disappear, or are in extreme cases replaced by subtle deodorants or colognes, this is a guaranteed sign that your professor is spending time in close proximity to another human being.
4.) The hair:
This hygiene improvement often extends to hairstyling as well. Ordinarily a tousled mess atop the head is common enough to be considered an academic’s dress code. Post-coitus, however, the mane becomes tamed by at the very least a shower and brush, perhaps even some sort of product. Among the professors more advanced in age, the glinting dome that used to blind you all the way in the back row may be concealed by an apparent and sudden, albeit slightly off-color toupée
3.) The mood:
Your professor’s monotone drone used to be a key argument for your theory involving the secret insertion of androids into daily human life. But instead, over half of their meandering personal anecdotes are both mildly entertaining and pertain to the subject matter. This is a result of the extensive psychological and conversational research they have conducted in order to communicate with a recently acquired lover.
2.) Their wife storms in:
Uh oh, this took a turn for the worst. If you’re sitting in lecture and the professors significant other storms in a throws their ring in your prof’s face, bingo — you know someone got lucky. Nice. Now look around class to see if anyone is hiding their face and you’ll find the homewrecking Gaucho.
1.) Tuition hikes:
This research is of course made possible entirely by generous funding from the university. Therefore, the average sexual activity of UCSB’s teaching staff can be measured by the total amount of the past years’ tuition hikes. This is widely considered to be the most accurate means of identifying exactly how much tenure one’s professor holds in someone else’s bedroom.
Signs such as the ones listed above should be greeted as good omens. Students who experience this phenomena may be able to look forward to a slightly friendlier curve on an upcoming midterm and a generally less-unpleasant learning experience. Because after all, as hard as they try to make us forget, professors are people too, and everyone needs a good hump.
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