Spring does not bring fresh new beginnings to every aspect of life — due to the law of diminishing returns, that sweet smoke spot you found on the cliff by your dorm fall quarter may be losing its sense of wonder. You may be tempted to strike out into the unknown, seeking a new site for your cranial expansion. What hidden gems lie just beyond your usual campus commute? Be wary, young stoner, as UCSB can be much less 420-friendly than it appears. For all its stunning scenery, this school can hide some of the worst places to smoke ever discovered. Luckily for you, the investigative geniuses here at The Black Sheep Bong Brigade did the trailblazing for you, marking the campus map with signs of “Here Be Dragons. And mud. And RAs. Mostly RAs.”
5.) In the Lagoon:
Starting off our list is a spot that only the truly brave or truly foolish would select for an afternoon rip. With little to no cover, places to sit, or basic standards of environmental protection, the UCSB Lagoon is certain to ruin any sesh, no matter how nice the weather. Not to mention the cold feet and this itchy spot that won’t go away…
Overall Dankness: By the dictionary definition of the word dank, very. By all other definitions, not at all.
4.) The top of the Commencement Tree:
What may have once been the crown jewel of campus smoking is now a cruel deathtrap. Generations of acrobatic stoners hunting for a cool breeze and a nice view have worn the bark of this green guardian smoother than an iced bong rip. Even if you manage to navigate your way up the trunk while carrying all necessary equipment, good luck finding solid ground again after you’ve helped yourself to some tree of your own.
Overall Dankness: No matter how high you get, what goes up must come down. Dankness is equivalent to a gravity bong hit minus the bong.
3.) The Fenced Off Library Smoke Pit:
While some believe the safest place to light up to be right under the Gaucho’s mustache, so to speak, whoever coined the phrase “hiding in plain sight” was clearly never spouting strong-smelling clouds of smoke every few minutes. While the fence does shield you from prying eyes, that protection only extends about 8 feet above the ground. The by-products of your smoke sesh will be clearly visible to the entire Arbor, and the cops camping out there to ticket the skateboarders. Not to mention all the second hand cigarette smoke.
Overall Dankness: Snapping a moke you thought was just greens.
2.) Lot 22 Parking Garage:
While managing to keep you fairly out of sight, this spot is lacking in the most important quality for most smokers. Comfort. Sure at first you’ll enjoy playing with the echos in the concrete hallways or setting off car alarms and running away giggling like a small child, but soon the inevitable fatigue will set in and you’ll be left with nowhere to sit down and rest. Unless of course smoking turns you into a Grand Theft Auto character with the ability to open any car door at will.
Overall Dankness: Wasting all your weed trying to hotbox a building with no walls.
1.) Anywhere in Manzanita Village:
Aside from looking generally depressing, Manzanita is known for being one of the most anti-social places on campus. And no one likes smoking alone. With the buildings full of smoke detectors, RA’s, and smoke detecting RA’s, the only options you’re left with are the assortment of sad planters or rock gardens placed strategically around the area in an attempt to break up the monotony that is modern architecture.
Overall Dankness: Equivalent to the bag of oregano you sold that kid at Carrillo last week.
Make sure to avoid smoking in these five places, unless of course you like inhaling lagoon stink and falling off trees while getting written up by every RA in Manzy Village. In that case, you should smoke exclusively in these, the worst spots known to UCSB.
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