5 Things You’ll Learn Once You Leave Isla Vista For Like, 20 Minutes

author-pic at UC Santa Barbara  

Isla Vista is a trap. Once a person comes here, it takes at least two years for him to find a way out. But you already know this! What you might not knowis what it’s like to go where no one has gone before…to venture outside of Isla Vista. So, what will you find? Better find out.

5.) A sense of calm:

There’s, like, a quiet calm everywhere. Everywhere! In the air, at the store (except TJ’s), in the middle of the freeway during traffic hour. Real world people have no problems, but they do have ~chill~ vibes! No skateboarders readily brushing unnecessarily closely past you, no bikes hitting your car as you drive down the other lane to avoid more bikes.

 

4.) People who are interested in you for you. And sex:

This is big, people! All too typical to IV are people who just want to eff, you know? Which is great and all, but nine times out of ten, they don’t care about the fact you have great puns always ready to fire off at an opportune conversation moment. They don’t care that you’re overinvolved in every way possible yet still manage to be a rad fucking human being. They just want sex. But outside of IV? They want sex AND goodness.

3.) Parking:

You might need to Google this one…Such an abstract concept, “available parking” is. But abounding outside of IV is, yes, wait for it… AVAILABLE PARKING! Be cautioned, though, there are available spaces, people outside IV do something even weirder regarding parking: they park in the lines. Which means no cars parking up your car’s ass. Find another spot.

2.) Food that’s not the Co-Op and actually good for your health:

It’s no match to our beloved Co-Op, but you’ve had to treat them as more of a “treat” now anyway….AND it’s not frozen food that’s then fried again once ordered. (we’re looking at you, Deja, but we still <3 you during the late hours of the night, of course.) There are restaurants, near the land of “State Street,” in which food is so packed with flavor and simultaneous nutrition that you will never settle for anything less. Until you look at your bank account. And realize you have to get back to IV now. Which is a trap.

1.) Jaywalking enforcement:

VERY IMPORTANT! ONCE YOU LEAVE ISLA VISTA…YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WALK DIRECTLY DOWN THE CENTER OF THE STREET EVEN IN THE MIDST OF TRAFFIC. People outside of IV take walking down the center of the road so seriously, they’ll straight up mow you down. Don’t do it. It’s super great—especially on a sunny, stoney day in IV—but for your lives, friends, don’t do it. Don’t.

Click off your phone, grab they keys to your car, and drive right out of IV…because now you’re prepared. And because you’re prepared, you’ll definitely outsmart the trap, enjoy the parking, it won’t be there when you’re back in IV.

WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.