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The 6 Best Climbing Trees at UCSB to Have Your Spiritual Awakening In

It’s no secret that our campus is gorgeous. And it’s also no secret that any Gaucho goes through some shit mentally from the time you enroll to the time of graduation. So why not use the beauty of our campus to lubricate those morbid social anxieties, to squash that dastardly seasonal depression, and to destroy any pre-graduate disenchantment before it even becomes a worry. We decided to take to campus to compile a list of the best wooden sky-rods to penetrate your deepest disruptions. These are our favorite trees on campus to have a spiritual awakening in:

6). The Maze Tree:

Room for you: Yes
Room for the squad: Are you flexible?
Room for your thoughts: Oh yeah.

The first tree overlooks the cliffs by the maze. Inside the tree is a platform which is (probably) stable enough to sit on while reading a book or smoking a blunt. Listen to the waves long enough and you just might forget about your crippling fear of dishonoring Supreme Leader Yang. 

5). The Commencement Tree:

Room for you: A little too much
Room for the squad: You could have a dayger in this tree.
Room for your thoughts: Big thoughts only, like String Theory 2 : The Reckoning

Are you proud of your heritage as a primate? Do you like getting up to literal monkey business? Does being a goon make you feel like a baboon? Look no further than the tree on the commencement lawn. Its long branches are perfect for swinging around like a college Tarzan, prefect for releasing any existential panic with a smile and a broken ankle.

4). Santa Cruz Lagoon Tree:

Room for you: About as much room as that box the homeless dude lives in
Room for the squad: Are you guys creative?
Room for your thoughts: If you need to be alone, sure. Don’t take a date.

This next tree is near Santa Cruz Hall and overlooks the lagoon. It is for sure sus to climb, and finding a cozy spot can be a challenge. However, catch the view at low sun and you will see a sight that is truly, and I mean truly, orgasmic. Be careful, however, as the tree is steep. Too much visual nut may result in a discharge from the tree (the branches are FUCKING steep).

3). The Storke Tower Tree:

Room for you: Plenty
Room for the squad: Call the tree the stairway of friendship
Room for your thoughts: You’ll probably only be able to hear people screaming into their headphone mics.

The next tree is the most public on the list and sits beneath the shadow of Storke Tower. As a notable tree on campus, there isn’t much we at The Black Sheep really need to describe, except that despite the intricate branch structure, there isn’t much to hide you from passersby. Basically what we mean is, unless you’re into voyeurism of emotions, or plain voyeurism, beware this tree for the worst of your coming-of-age crises.

2). The Hatlen Theater Tree:

Room for you: More than you’d even want
Room for the squad: You could fit an entire human sex lecture in this tree.
Room for your thoughts: Yee, just don’t get lost in the branches

This tree spreads far and wide, like your ass after a Taco Bell five-dollar box for breakfast, lunch, and *shudder* dinner too. However, if there’s any consolation to eating that much Taco Bell, you can cool your bowels following the inevitable assfire in the tree’s ample shade while sipping your Baja Blast. This is the coziest tree you will find on campus.

1). The Library/ Buchanan Tree:

Room for you: Fosho
Room for your squad: Standing room only.
Room for your thoughts: Only thoughts on human behavior or some shit like that.

The final tree of this list sits Between the Library and Buchanan Hall. If you want to trip balls about the fashion trends of the millennial generation, this is your place to people watch. Otherwise, this tree is a little too out in the open.

Get out there, Gauchos, and remember to keep the urge to rage alive even through all that inner peace and harmony you’ll be bathing in after these trees have their way with you and your spiritual identity.

 

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