Here at The Black Sheep, we promote safe, responsible consumption of alcohol and other mind-altering substances. However, many Gauchos do not heed our advice, and continue to engage in what is commonly known as “the full send.” These students will wake up the next morning dazed, confused, and wondering whose bathtub they conked out in. With another successful Deltopia in the books, this experience will be fresh in the minds of many innocent Gauchos who sent it just a little too hard, and they will be desperate to get their life back together after this past weekend. So in the event that Deltopia left you little hazy, here are the steps you should take to get your life back together.
6.) Consult your friends:
Your friends will be your most valuable resource in putting pieces back together after that fateful day. They were most likely with you the entire time, and will have seen all of the crazy shit you pulled. Of course, there can be flaws with this plan. You might not have any friends, or, since we go to UCSB, they were probably just as shitfaced as you. If this is the case, then you’re going to need to try something else.
5.) Sleep on it:
This is the “turn it off and turn it back on again” of drunk troubleshooting. Beware of this tactic, as it can bring back some of the more embarrassing things that you may have forgotten. You didn’t want to remember starting a one-man mosh-pit to Miley Cyrus’s “Can’t Stop,” but now it’s definitely there. Besides, it’s more the Gaucho way to not get any sleep and shotgun two Yerbas instead.
4.) Retrace your steps:
If you’re lucky, your brain will go on autopilot and walk you through the rest of the places you visited that day. The Freebirds bathroom, a bench in Dogshit Park where you got more sun than Mercury, and the police barricade where you almost yacked on an officer’s shoes all seem familiar. If you happen upon your wallet or keys, which you also happened to be missing, you’re on the right track.
3.) Interview people:
Stand out in the Arbor, and if you see a person walking around that looks even vaguely familiar, ask them about Deltopia. Don’t be shy about it, and if you need pointers on how to approach people, observe and mimic the CALPIRG students’ aggressive tactics. The worst answer you’re going to get when you ask someone is “no,” or possibly, “Get away from me you fuckin’ creep.” Ya know, nothing too big. It may take a while, but you could hear some great stories of Deltopia exploits, or possibly even make some new friends.
2.) Make flyers:
The key to this step is to make it look like a missing pet/person flyer, complete with buffalo chicken cheese fries as a reward. This will draw in your audience and make sure they read your information. When they do read it, though, they will see that the missing person in question is actually you, and all you need is some help finding yourself. Listen, it makes sense. Note: Since most of your flyers will probably end up in Arbor garbage cans, be sure to check them at the end of the day for easy re-use.
1.) Send out a school-wide email from the Office of the Chancellor:
What better way to grab the attention of almost anyone you would have met on Deltopia than with an official, school-wide email from Henry T. Yang requesting information about your day? Unless you happen to be a computer science major (which let’s be honest, if you went out on Deltopia, you’re probably not), you’re going to need the help of one. Have them hack the office of the chancellor to send out the email, and you’ll have your information faster than Yang can say, “The campus is in no immediate danger.”
If your life is still in shambles after Deltopia weekend, you’re not alone. In fact, you’ll probably see many students, even still on Tuesday, wandering around just looking kind of lost and dreadful. Just remember, the past is the past and 2018 Deltopia will ultimately be consigned to forgotten history forever. But don’t stress! After all, we do go to UCSB, and this means you’ll have many more drink-filled days in the future.