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The 7 Best Days of Syllabus Week to Get Plastered in IV

As UCSB students ease themselves back into the swing of things after a week off from the hectic, 9-week partying schedule of winter quarter, they understandably need a few days to relax and refocus on their studies. Luckily, that’s exactly what syllabus week is all about — re-acclimating the lungs and liver to get back to the high level of partying performance that this school demands from its students. Here is a breakdown of the seven best days of this week for you to get your vital organs in tip-top shape before the quarter ahead:

7.) Monday:
Normally nobody likes Mondays, but if you add cheap vodka and Natty Daddies, you’ve got yourself a recipe for starting the week off right. Pro tip: Get up early and schedule your drinking at regular intervals throughout the day. Sobriety is no match for good planning and a 25-year old roommate who could use an easy five bucks.

6.) Tuesday:
Ah, Tuesdays: day of tacos and, of course, tequila. Tequila shots taste like how your Tuesdays usually go: awful from the start, but eventually you get drunk or lose consciousness so it evens out.

5.) Wednesday:
Hump dayyy! You’ve come this far, reward yourself and your hard work with a wine Wednesday to recover from the night before. It didn’t really spin out of control until you the game of Edward 40-Hands with José Cuervo, but regardless, you can find the cure for your ailments in a plastic bag that you dispense wine from by slapping it.

4.) Thursday:
Thursday is one of the best days to go out and get trashed — literally! The raccoons are notorious for their Thursday night action, picking through IV’s finest dumpsters in search of top tier alcohol that would have otherwise gone to waste. The great thing is that these mapaches are friendly drunks, and will gladly share their half-drunk booze to help get you full-drunk.

3.) Friday:
With Friday one of the 7 days per week of compulsory drinking as mandated by IV city ordinance, your strongest motive to drink early and often is to avoid citations and fines. Penalties for being caught out above the influence with a BAC of .16 or lower run as high as $750, with up to 100 hours of community service teaching Rage Cage and King’s Cup to underprivileged students at Isla Vista Elementary School.

2.) Saturday:
Saturday affords students the perfect opportunity to get away from their weekday smoking and drinking to concentrate on their weekend smoking and drinking. With all the stress and hard work of the week, it’s vital for everyone to be able to step back and focus on what’s really important — smoking like a chimney and drinking like a fish.

1.) Sunday:
There’s a reason Jesus rose on a Sunday. It’s the same reason you go to church that day and slap the chalice for the blood of Christ. God rested on Sunday so that he could create IV and get smashed in celebration of his creation. You too should take a day relax and admire your work; you too should get drunk on Sunday.

Keep these 7 days in mind when you’re looking for the best time of the week to drop everything, including your inhibitions. Any day that ends in y is the right day to crack open a cold one (or twelve) in IV.

 

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