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7 Reasons to Be Thankful You Don’t Go to Cal Poly

1000 years ago, on the very first Thanksgiving Day, the pilgrims held a feast with some Indians before subsequently massacring them the following winter. As a result, we eat turkeys and “give thanks” with our families every final Thursday of November. As a UCSB student, it is important to give thanks for all of the little things in life, but also the huge things, like not going to Cal Poly. Here are just a few of the many reasons you should thank God this Thursday for not exiling you to Cal Poly:

7.) You’re Not Related to Your Significant Other:
It is a well-known fact that all Cal Poly students are related. Really, really, related. Same last name related. Even “shared a womb” related. When this is the case at a university, bedroom stuff can get a little weird but it doesn’t just not happen. The risk of a baby with 14 fingers and an ear on his forehead is just exponentially increased. That’s all.

6.) Your Chancellor is Harry F****** Yang:
Cal Poly’s president is Jeffrey D. Armstrong, a silly looking white guy who probably blinks in family portraits. UCSB’s chancellor is Henry (Harry) T. Yang, world-renowned engineer/big-dick bandit. Count your blessings.

5.) You Don’t Have an Outie:
Every single Cal Poly student has an outie belly button. Can you imagine doing push-ups or rubbing your belly after a hearty meal with an outie belly button? Just awful. If you went to Slo, you’d have one too.

4.) You’ve Flown On a Plane:
Can you believe that not a single Cal Poly student has ever flown on a plane? Neither can we! But just think about how planes have changed your life, and say a little prayer of thanks to the Most High.

3.) You Know Who Michael Fassbender Is:
Fassbender has been doing it big lately. He’s even going to be in the new Assassin’s Creed movie coming out soon. Can you imagine having no idea who he is? Well, that’s a reality Cal Poly students face every single day.

2) You Have a Friend with a Juice Maker Who Lets You Borrow It from Time to Time:
Students enrolled at California Polytechnic State University don’t have wifi, let alone a friend who owns a juice maker AND is willing to lend it out from time to time.

1.) You Have a Family That Loves You:
In the end, all that really matters this Thanksgiving are the people that you love. Cal Poly kids just don’t have that.

So when you’re feeling down and out this week, just take a moment to reflect on the fact that you don’t go to that heaping trash fire of a school up north. 

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