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9 Reasons I’m Constantly Crying at UCSB

As someone who spent the last twenty minutes crying and is still currently crying in the boring class I’m writing this in, lately I’ve been asking myself, Why the fuck am I always weeping on campus? As someone who wants to get to the bottom of this, and because no one likes sitting next to sniffling bitches, here’s a list of reasons why myself and my sensitive-ass friends always have the water works rolling:

9.) I’m taking 21 units along with an internship:
Who’s the super nerd? You are! You tell yourself over and over that you got this while nothing gets done even though you spend all your waking hours on homework. Your friends are no longer sure you exist. You just did not realize you missed a shit ton of units you need to graduate. It’s ok. You’ll fail them all anyway.

8.) Pollen:
It starts with the sniffling and then the headaches and then it’s just so backed up that you’re never not crying. God damnit, spring! I wish everything died instead of having plant semen crawl up my nose.

7.) I can never be Chancellor Yang:
Growing up we always wanted to be doctors and lawyers but as more time passes, we realize things like it’s too hard and you’re too stupid to get those jobs. Yet another thing we realize we are never good enough to be as we grow up is Chancellor Yang himself. I still wear my sweats and walk around campus in the hopes that I’ll be struck by lightning and turn into Super Daddy Yang.

7a) Nor can I ever be his lover:
Even with my well-proportioned breasts and ass, I know that I could never compete against Mrs. Yang, yet another heartbreak for me.

7b) Nor his child:
I check Free & For Sale every day looking for ads for their adoptions, but alas, no luck.

6.) This class has bored me to tears:
I needed the fucking writing requirement. I’m here. It’s easy. It’s in the bag. But I still have to be here 3 hours a week because the teacher uses iClicker questions and I want to die 🙁

At the same time, sometimes this same class is so hard that it’s got me in tears.

5.) The tests are too difficult: 
No matter how many hours you spend studying, your brain is just never going to grasp these big words. Cross your fingers and pray that everyone else is stupid too. It’s UCSB, so they probably are.

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4.) I never get enough sleep:
Besides all the homework you should be doing, you should also be partying, having a beer and enjoying a joint. You’ve earned it. But now it’s time to get up for that 8 a.m. and you only woke up with enough time to put on clothes and get to class and the line to Starbucks is too long and attendance matters so it’s time to give up, sit in the street, and cry.

3.) I got rejected:
You should be getting rejected just about every day. Let’s face it; everyone is too hot for everyone on this campus. Time to rubber band two sponges together and get used to fucking that.

2.) My computer deleted my paper so I’m planning on throwing it into the Lagoon but I need it so I guess I just have to forgive it:
You put 30 hours into that paper, saved it every 10 minutes, and now that you reopen it, it shows you only saved the first paragraph. Everything is gone. Everything… I’m not crying! You are!

1.) My parents hate me even though I’m a bio major:
What the fuck more could you want, mom and dad! I just want to go home once without hearing “4.0 GPA? Disgusting. Your cousin has a 5.0. Why did you only get an A in this class and not an A+?” Because the UC system doesn’t give out A+’s and fuck cousin Jerry! He’s an art major! He glued his dick to a wall and called it art because it was about holding down the patriarchy. Everything is about the patriarchy if you’re dumb enough!

Looking for a reason to cry? Look no further than the pollen-induced sobbing of Spring Quarter, or even the tears shed year-round because of  the horrors school. Either way you slice it, we’re in for the wettest weeks since the mudslides.

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