GOLETA — Early Tuesday morning an Economics Department advisor reportedly found a calculator on her desk while speaking with a student. Following an emergency 20-minute meeting of poking and prodding by the Economics board, it was announced that all accounting finals would be canceled immediately due to “the impending doom of the field.”
“Look I can calculate how fast your career just tanked,” one socially stunted advisor explained to excitedly to a complaining UCSB senior Andrea Santos, adding that no one needed some overpaid office hack to do what Microsoft mastered in the first release of Excel for the Macintosh in 1985. “It looks like there wasn’t much to improve on here in the first place,” he said.
“Any common fool can enter numbers into Excel. We’ll admit this was an oversight,” the UCSB Department of Economics chair Phillip Foster responded when accused of irresponsibly training students for a career that will see its workers replaced by computers immediately. “We couldn’t see that the technology was already right here on our desks,” Foster continued. “We thought we had at least a few more decades before something this advanced would be invented,” he said, fixing his gaze on to his new calculator’s square root function and muttering, “now what have we here?“
According to sources, in preparation for the cancellation of this major, some economics professors are pushing for courses already offered at UC Riverside like, “Motivation in the Face of Insurmountable Doom 101,” “So You F**ked Yourself and Picked The Wrong Career 10A,” and “Feigning Dignity In Utter Defeat 40A” to highlight the importance of attitude when overcoming a detrimental oversight in failing to foresee your own demise by a calculator.
“I didn’t realize a cheap circuit board with a plastic cased would mean that I was totally fucked,” Santos lamented to her reflection in the koi pond and reporters beneath Storke Tower, later asking Siri for directions to the nearest mental health professional. “I just wanted get a quiet desk job and maybe to cook a few books,” Santos wailed like a wounded animal to the small duck couple swimming serenely through the lily pads.
The Economics Department has arranged for “the greediest and the grubbiest,” of accountants to turn their credits into Gaucho bucks before starting their higher education over. “The least we could do is give them the means to eat their feelings in these troubling times,” wrote Foster in his final report of the accounting mishap.
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