This Friday the UCSB Alcohol and Drug Program will put on their first annual “420-for-all” baked goods extravaganza, an opportunity for students to peruse the finest selection of edible arrangements available for purchase courtesy of CASE program director Judy Delaney.
“We know that the freshmen are excited to begin college,” said Delaney. “So we encourage them to blaze a trail to Embarcadero Hall and start the year on a high note.”
“In addition to the traditional brownies, cookies, and chocolate bars we would typically have at this type of event, this year we are pleased to introduce what has been a breakthrough in our research into and development for student life: CASE Signature Drinkables.”
According to Delaney, researchers for ADP and CASE have been working tirelessly in the labs below Embarcadero Hall to develop a substance that “gets you high and drunk—at the same time!” while still allowing students to monitor and control their consumption with ease.
The solution to this problem is to soak the marijuana buds in hard alcohol for 4 to 6 weeks during their growing period, which allows the liquid to retain its alcohol content while still absorbing enough THC to “knock you flat on your ass,” said lead researcher Blake Mathis.
“To be fair, it still tastes like you’re chewing on a nug,” said Mathis. “We haven’t quite figured out what to do about combining such strong flavors into one super-substance… but holy shit, that crossfade is insane,” he continued, pantomiming his head exploding.
“It’s like being back in the womb,” one freshman remarked.
While Delaney celebrates this innovation as a one-of-a-kind opportunity for students to practice safe, controlled consumption of multiple intoxicants in one beverage, she also stresses that more research is needed, with future studies made to focus on particular test subjects between the ages of seventeen and twenty-three.
“While we are extremely proud of this recent breakthrough, we realize the amount of work yet to be done in this field. That is why all the proceeds from today will be used to fund immediate further research into this area, specifically with college-age subjects being tested in laboratory conditions. The more we know, the more we realize we don’t know about just how the college brain responds to and interacts with Drinkables.”
At press time, a line of eligible participants waiting to be signed up had wound itself twice around the block and extended deep into the Boonies.
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