Amazon.com is home to many a wild and wonderful item, some of which are absolutely necessary to your success as a student at UCSB. As we enter the midway point of this quarter, it’s essential that you collect these 7 crucial items, or else you’ll die.
7.) Sun Dolphin Water Tender Row Boat (White, 9.4-Feet):
Let’s face it, Santa Barbara is not built to hold this much rain. The perfect way to glide through all of these puddles with ease? A rowboat! If you’ve always admired people who pass you on skateboards, you will for sure make them jealous when you start passing them on your own little rowboat. Plus, it fits two, so you can sweep all of the ladies off their feet by offering to take them for a ride (she’ll love it even more if you are both wearing life jackets ;)). At only $787.54, it’s also a steal, making it perfect for that college student budget.
6.) Dimensions Needlecrafts Counted Cross Stitch, Hang On Kitty:
Everyone has their awful midterm scores back by now and need a little pick-me-up to get through the next five weeks. Well, nothing says motivation like this cat poster, complete with cross stitching to make it look like your mother made it for you (aw, isn’t she sweet?). It has got to be the most stylish thing to have on your wall and it goes with almost any style of bedding. Also, any girl you bring back to your room will want you right then and there when she sees it, it’s a total chick magnet. At just $6.00, it is probably the greatest investment you could possibly make in your self-esteem and sex life.
5.) Melissa & Doug Let’s Play House Dust! Sweep! Mop! 6-Piece Pretend Play Set:
It’s doubtful that any of you filthy slobs have even picked up a broom since the first day of school, so it’s time for spring cleaning around your apartment/house. Don’t worry about it being hard and boring, though, because this set of supplies comes with a small child to clean your house for you. All you have to do is feed the little guy, and he’ll clean your house all day, every day, for free. Just look how happy he is to clean for you!
4.) Kangaroo’s Easter Eggs with Toys Inside (24-Pack):
Here’s a game to play with yourself: get so drunk that you’re not even a functioning human being anymore, and then hide these Easter eggs somewhere in or around your apartment. Sober you is going to have an enormous amount of fun looking for them! Think it’s too early for you to be hiding Easter eggs? Think again. You definitely won’t be finding these until Easter, at the very earliest. If not by then, maybe next Easter! They’re filled with fun little trinkets, but they’re way more fun when drunk you wants to play with them and replaces them with cash and your credit card instead. That moron knows how to have fun.
These sick little balls of scary are called “anti-stress balls,” but they’re probably actual voodoo doll heads. So, for all of you sickos out there that need a voodoo doll, whether it be for that professor that failed you, that girl that dumped you, or that other professor that failed you, this is the perfect toy. Just make sure no one sees you across the library going to town on these things, because that would definitely be the most terrifying thing that anyone’s ever seen and they will for sure call the police immediately.
Wine glass markers are actually a college essential. Especially for those of you that are freshmen. You’ll be going to a shit ton of parties that strictly serve wine (and it’s only out of those nice wine glasses with the thin stems). It’s so hard to keep track of which glass is yours, and these markers are perfect. Not only does the name literally scream a pun at you (see: WINE LIVES), but they’re also adorable and perfect for mingling at those raging, head-banging parties. Walk up to any girl holding a wine glass with a kitten on it smoothly saying phrases like “that’s rad” and “I miss my mom” and she’ll be yours in -15 seconds.
You may not live in luxury, but that doesn’t mean your fish can’t! If your fish has made it this far into the school year without dying, it deserves something really nice. This ridiculously modern fish tank is the perfect bachelor pad for your fish, Barney Stinson, and comes equipped with a nice interior, a lovely garage, and a tiny little fish sex room worthy of Ludacris and Christian Grey. It also comes fully stocked with hamburgers, Cheetos, alcohol, and anything else his little fish heart desires. So, next time you’re thinking about all of the things you can’t have because you’re broke, and you want a better life for your fish, purchase this.
Keep spending money you don’t have, Gauchos! It stimulates the Trumpconomy.
WATCH: Being in Business School is actually really really hard you guys.
Get your St. Pat’s shirt now before it’s too late!