SANTA BARBARA, Calif. – In a groundbreaking decision, Henry T. Yang has banned all wind from UCSB’s campus, effective immediately. The Black Sheep has obtained official transcripts of Yang’s speech at Monday’s press conference, where the news was announced.
“Campus officials and I have long pondered how to handle the wind situation on our otherwise perfect campus,” Yang said. “The wind has been a nuisance to all who inhabit UCSB for as long as I’ve worked here. It messes up my luscious locks, it makes the ocean too choppy for me to hit those sick waves, and every single person on campus bitches and moans when there’s any wind strong enough to prevent your average Bic from lighting.”
“When this solution of completely banning it was suggested, the board and I quickly saw it was a no brainer, a breeze of a decision. This is a big wind…errr, win…for our students and faculty,” Yang said.
Many critics believe that the decision to ban all wind was rushed, and that Yang was prematurely retaliating at Mother Nature for the 5.3 earthquake she sent on Thursday, April 05, 2018.
“That is absolutely ridiculous,” Yang said when asked about this at the press conference. “Our plan has been in development for many months, and we retain the utmost respect for Mother Nature. She has never posed any physical damage to our campus, and any reports that this was retaliation are blowing it heavily out of proportion.”
According to Yang, all wind has 24 hours to vacate the campus. Any wind found on campus after that will be cited and swiftly escorted from the premises. Spokespersons from the SB County Sheriff’s department and the Office of the Chancellor declined to comment on the increased workload that will surely come in the next few weeks as Mother Nature acclimates to the changes, but Sergeant Richard Beater of the UCPD spoke to The Black Sheep.
“We are going require quite a few more officers on duty, obviously,” chuckled Beater. “We may also have to reassign the officers currently writing tickets for skateboarding in the Arbor and bikes not stopping at the stop signs near the UCen, but we’ll make do.”
Despite Yang’s attempts to ensure that the ruling was in the best interests of all students and faculty, some students, including freshman Justin Toke, remained slightly skeptical. “I like to partake in the occasional recreational use of marijuana,” said Toke. “And if there’s no wind to blow away the smoke, my dorm room will be loud for ages. Yang fucked this one up for sure.”
“Wait,” he added, “Is this going on the news? Shit, I hope my RA doesn’t see.”
Other students, however, welcomed the change. “What a relief this is,” said junior Aaliyah Dixon. “I have suffered anemophobia, the fear of wind, for my entire life. UCSB will be the first anemaphobic safe space, and that makes me proud to be a Gaucho.”
Any student who wishes to air their concerns with the ban is encouraged to call the Office of the Chancellor at (805) 609-6969, but at moment, it appears that wind has been blown from UCSB forever.
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