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New Year, Fat You: What To Expect Now That You’re a UCSB Chubbo

Welcome back to school! And also a big, warm, caloric welcome to those new extra pounds you put on over winter break. That Freshman 15 is starting to seem more like the Winter Break 40, but don’t worry! It’s what’s on the inside that truly matters. On that bright note, here are some ways everyone you know has changed since you last saw them in December either as the result or resulting in a brand new lovely muffin top.

First, DON’T freak out if your roommate looks different from when you last saw them. This means they either gained weight, got a new hairstyle, or are newly single. Whatever the situation may be, at least they might be less of a booty hole than they were before. New Year, new them. In turn, no one will tell you that you got chunkier, they’ll just adjust to your new look. BUT if you have real friends, they’ll be blunt as hell, so if this is your case you might want to be emotionally prepared.

Get ready, this one could hurt even more. You may notice your clothes looking extremely tight on you—converting you into full sausage mode. This is fine, sausages are yummy and come in lots of flavors. Odds are, those new love handles might even bring in some New Year’s romance! (Unless you don’t like looking like delicious meat, then you could always stretch those suckers out and SUCK IT IN.)

If you ride your bike around campus, you may notice how out of breath you are after about half a mile. Know that you may cry a little and there is the possibility that you’ll cause a major bicycle traffic jam. Consider investing in a “slow moving vehicle” sign, if not to get people to cut you some slack, then at least as a common courtesy to other bikers.

You will also come across the new “changed” person around campus. These are the people that strongly believe that a new number on the calendar will change their lives. They’ll be a pain in the ass, but once they go in for that cheeseburger… there goes their New Year’s resolution. Oh well! Next year, right?

If you didn’t gain any weight during the break because of your fast metabolism, screw you! You’re tacky and everyone hates you. To everyone else living the sausage life, just know that food is delicious and to never stop eating! Eat to your heart’s content, but not too much because heart attacks do happen at a young age. Anyways, people do change over break but sometimes it doesn’t last long. In a couple of years you’ll tell them “Hey! Remember when you were on that diet years back and it didn’t last long?” They’ll either laugh or now you’ll have another person that hates you.

Have fun accomplishing your resolutions, fatsos!

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