With finals just two weeks behind and midterms fast approaching, reports have been pouring in from across Santa Barbara county of panicked pharmacists, drug dealers, and students who will be unable to restock their supplies of Adderall in time for UCSB’s midterms.
“Finals hit us harder than ever before this year,” said Dr. James Nelson, referring to the postponement that led to finals week replacing week 1 of Winter Quarter. “Our office was prepared for the usual surge in prescriptions from Thanksgiving to Dead Week, but we were totally blindsided by the quick turnaround right after Winter Break,” he continued. “Honestly, I’ve never seen anything like it — suddenly they need enough for six weeks of studying instead of two, and we’re just supposed to make this stuff appear out of thin air?”
Officials say that while local suppliers were miraculously able to pull through and meet the skyrocketing demand, students may not be so lucky this time around. “I’ve called everyone from here to Ventura, and not one pharmacy, doctor’s office, or back-alley dealer has a single pill left,” said Dr. Mark Thompson of UCSB Student Health. “I’ve got students coming to me already panicking because they won’t be able to cram for their exams, and all I can tell them is we’re working on it, but no promises,” he explained, echoing the sentiments of many who have been left empty-handed by the dearth of Adderall within 100 miles of campus.
Students have expressed growing concern at the detrimental effect the shortage will have on their academic performance. Senior Geography major Brian Salisbury explains that he has “preemptively dropped all of my classes rather than take the Fs.” He continued, “Hey, I guess this means I’m staying for a fifth year, but at least once they get this sorted out I’ll be able to hit the books and graduate eventually. It’s better than being forced to drop out altogether.”
Academic advisors in both the College of Letters and Sciences as well as the College of Engineering have prescribed similar courses of action for students of all disciplines, suggesting that an extra 10 weeks of school is nothing in the long term compared to certain failure, academic probation, and eventual dismissal from the university.
Still others point to the academic calendar itself and its three sets of finals as the source of the problem. “Maybe if we didn’t have a fucking quarter system we could actually take time instead of drugs and learn a thing or two,” said third-year Bio major Jessica Raleigh. “Looking at you, Chancellor Dickhead.”
At press time, the Chancellor in question had entreated sister UC campuses to support a program that will transport these studying essentials from across California to UCSB students in need. Said Yang: “It will be a Herculean effort, but I will stop at nothing to ensure that my students are in the right, wired mental state to complete their exams and continue their education.”
“And,” he concluded, “you’re also learning what it’s like to get fucked by dickheads. Welcome to the real world.”
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