Earlier this evening, Goleta County Land Assessor Scott McConnell confirmed that Del Playa oceanside homes are currently plummeting in property value, due to the “minor problem” of homes continually plummeting into the ocean.
“Just a year ago if you had asked me to appraise these homes, I would’ve told you each home is easily worth $5.5 million on average,” McConnell told reporters somberly. “It makes sense considering the perfect weather, bustling market, and cool beer die tables these homes come with. Today, though, I guess the small fact these homes keep dropping into the ocean is deterring prospective renters. It’s a shame really, these homes are beautiful and investors have a steady market in the area thanks to UCSB.”
“My team and I have tried to spin the falling homes as an upside, sort like how we spin the dreadful state of some of these homes’ bathrooms and ‘bedrooms,’ but people just don’t buy into their house falling into the ocean as ‘easy cleanup after a party’ or ‘a good thing to blame your rock-bottom GPA on’,” McConnell sighed.
McConnell’s co-worker, Sam McGregor, claimed to have “never seen anything like it,” adding that DP balconies have been through more than any balcony should in its lifetime. “There are footprints caked in beer that we carbon-dated back to the 60s,” McGregor admitted before telling reporters that he was asked to appraise one property on a Saturday afternoon without knowing it was Deltopia weekend. “I’d never seen so many youngsters crammed onto such a small piece of land,” McGregor recalled painfully. “The balcony and the land below isn’t sturdy enough to hold this many people, I was sure it was going to crash into the waves any second.” McGregor continued that he is “truly surprised” DP balconies have survived for this long considering the “rise of moshing we’ve seen since ‘08.”
In addition to housing assessors, students have also expressed their concerns over falling Del Playa housing, however their interest isn’t in the property value. “My room is really close to the edge of the balcony,” second year Anthony Davidson said shakily. “So when me and thirty of my bros cram into my room to take turns at this dope water bong,” he said, holding up a severed milk gallon duct taped to a garden hose, “we’ve started all wearing life jackets… and next week we’re going to take group swimming lessons at the Rec Cen!”
According to sources, Davidson and his roommate have invested in an emergency rowboat. “It’s really terrifying honestly, but the rowboat grants us some solace,” Davidson explained. “Luckily, my lease ends next month and I’ll be moving over to Sabado Tarde. I’ll be able to rest easy their knowing the ocean is a solid street away.”
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