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The 5 Easiest Classes at UCSB to Slurp Your Way to an A

Everyone’s heard the rumors, and unless you’re lame, you’ve had a few friends do it themselves. It’s every student’s dream to neglect their studies and still net that A, and luckily you can do it with something that you’re giving away for free every weekend anyway. However, instead of blowing a fratty douchebag whose cum tastes like goopy Bud Light, you’ll be going down on these professors while your GPA goes up:

5.) Eugene Fysic – Physics 6A:
Although not much of a looker, you’ll find him cute enough after hearing him say the words force and suction 50 times per lecture. One benefit of this class will be learning how forces work in blowjobs, where there’s really no such thing as sucking. Instead it’s better to approach it as creating a vacuum that various bodily fluids will fill.

4.) Samson Atoms – Chem 1C:
This course poses a challenge both in and outside of class. Almost every student gets a crush on him the second he turns to write on the chalkboard and reveals the tightest and roundest of professorial asses. I’d rather have Samson bend me over a table and fuck me than ALEKS, and with looks that could kill, even straight A students are trying to get this dick. However, which direction the balls and pin swing in still in question – take this class at your own risk.

3.) Globella Mapson – Geography 5:
Her wavy blonde hair and sweet personality give her the perfect girl next-door vibe. She has a family though, so everything is kept on the down low – in exchange for good grades, you provide her with routine, 20-minute escapes from boring suburban life. If she deems your performance to be satisfactory, she will gift you with a map that shows you all the best places to have sex on campus.

2.) Dominic Stegosaurus – Earth 7 Dinosaurs:
The rippling biceps, the smooth baritone, the twinkling brown eyes beneath fashionable-yet-studious glasses, let’s face it – his name was first out of EVERYONE’S lips for professors they’d like to smash. Whether this one is down to fuck though is highly unlikely. Your chances are best if you invite him out to dig holes and get him to plug your holes instead. You’ll probably only get to bone if you find a couple of cool bones on the dig, in which case you already deserve the extra credit you’re about to earn anyway.

1.) Frank Fraction – Math 34A:
Extra credit for this class happens through a lottery-style selection process. On one hand the try-hards get fucked by everyone having an equal chance, but on the other it’s nice that the extra credit will just come to you in an email inviting you to “office hours.” It’s misleadingly titled, as he will doubtlessly be done in under a minute, but that just means your jaw will never be sore and you’ll have all weekend free for Gaucho Ball.

If any professors happen to read this and have any way of helping raise my GPA, I am single, open-minded, and open-mouthed.

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