Pulling up in squad cars, SUVs, and vans blasting every song from the group’s classic album Straight Outta Compton, CA law enforcement agencies have reportedly once again teamed up to swarm Isla Vista in hopes of landing front-row seats to the NWA reunion show taking place this Saturday April 7 at the Thunderdome.
Said Warren Stanley, Commissioner of the California Highway Patrol, “We’ve given every employee we can at least a three-day weekend, and those few who still have to work will of course be paid triple overtime.” He explained that even though it was a tough decision to pull so many officers from active duty at the same time, he is expecting Californians to be “on their best behavior” while the department takes time off for this “once-in-a-lifetime community building opportunity.”
Sources confirmed that UCPD forces from every campus have also equipped themselves for the pilgrimage to the party land, with UCSB’s Chief of Police Dustin Olson preparing the accommodations for incoming officers. “We’ve commandeered every lecture hall, theater, and classroom in the area,” he said. “Specifically the ones with highest quality speakers and surround sound, so we can crank everything from MC Ren’s ‘Kizz My Black Azz’ to NWA’s ‘Boyz-N-The-Hood‘.”
It is reportedly essential for the authentic three-day experience of the visiting agencies that these particular cuts, along with others by Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, Snoop Dogg, and Eazy-E, be played non-stop for all 72 hours from Friday to Sunday.
“And I just can’t wait to shout along with the lyrics when they play ‘Fuck Tha Police!’” Olson added, visibly giddy with excitement. “My boy Henry Yang already scored me a couple of backstage passes and VIP meet-and-greets, so my buddies and I are going to try to get Ice Cube to sign our badges and service weapons.” He said that it will certainly pose some logistical challenges, but he also hopes to get every one of his officers a signed photo with a personal message from Dr. Dre.
Local activists and community leaders have hailed this event as rare chance for people of color to travel freely to and from houses, classrooms, jobs, grocery stores, and many other places without fear of harassment or violence. “This is the perfect time for black citizens to visit their own backyards – hell, maybe even their front yards if they’re feeling bold enough,” said Stephen Clark, director of the Santa Barbara chapter of Black Lives Matter.
“With all the officers safely contained under one roof, the risk of violence is slim to none for three whole days. Seriously, maybe even take a walk down DP with a suspicious object like a sandwich or a phone. This is the one weekend a year that no one will mistake it for a weapon and fill you with lead.”
At press time, Governor Jerry Brown had issued an executive order adding Public Enemy to the setlist, citing Fear of a Black Planet as the “Perfect warm-up album to get law enforcement in the mood for the message they came to hear.”