How To Spot an Out-of-State ID in Isla Vista

author-pic at UC Santa Barbara  

According to reports, teenagers have been increasingly swarming the local liquor stores and bars in hopes that their chosen out-of-state form of identification will help them pass for 21. Experts at the UC Regents panel this month indicate that while many fakes are easy to catch, some can pass an eyeballing from even the most perceptive bouncers and bartenders, and lead the way to unlicensed debauchery. Heres a comprehensive guide of the right questions to ask to find out whether the person youre talking to is, in fact, of age.

5.) “When do you get your braces off?”:
Besides being a great icebreaker, this question can also help you determine exactly what year of high school this person is in. The list warns to not be afraid to really get in there and carbon date the remaining tooth cement on a customer’s teeth to see if their story checks out.

4.) “What dorm do you live in?”:
If the answer is anything other than “I live in IV,” you can be sure you’ve nabbed a fake and kept an underage person from drinking for at least the next 15 minutes. If they say something about senior apartments, ask if they went for pre-furnished. When they answer yes, feel free to confiscate their ID because they are clearly a child.

3.) “Where were you on 9/11?”:
Everyone knows where they were on 9/11everyone, that is, except for people who werent alive. Nothing short of “I don’t remember but I was very little,” should be accepted.

2.) “How do you file an insurance claim?”:
Anyone who thought they were getting in just on the strength of their high-quality fake will be sorely disappointed to learn that they must also regale this bouncer with a detailed explanation of how to seek reimbursement when ones car is damaged.

1.) “What do you do to fix slow internet speeds?”:
Trick question: theres nothing you can do. Any full grown adult will tell you that Cox has him by the balls, and he just has to grab his router antennae and take it when they want to fuck with his download speeds.

Remember, you are the last line of defense. You are all that stands between juvenile delinquents and a really good time. Lets keep fake IDs off the street, and keep underage drinking to frat houses and dorms, where it belongs.

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