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A Gaucho Girl’s Guide to Winning in a World of Fuckboys

So you’re at a frat party, having a great time, and all of a sudden Chad approaches you to ruin your night. It happens literally all the time. You don’t really want to talk to Chad, but one way or another he’s going to find his way over and bother you all night. This is a fairly normal occurence for the women of IV, but it’s one that they would love to get out of in a hurry. So without further ado, here are six ways you can curb a frat boy at a party:

6.) Avoid him:
Everyone knows that the best way to curb a frat boy is to not let him see you to begin with. If Brad sees you, you’ll be on his mind. The best way to avoid that is to stay in a group. Huddle with your friends like you’re a freshman on D.P. and you’ll be safe. Sometimes this isn’t enough though, and you’ll need to pull out the bigger guns.

5.) Spill your drink on him:
Now, we hate to see a good drink go to waste, but desperate times call for desperate measures. If Josh won’t leave you alone, simply spill your drink on him. This classic method will send Josh packing faster than when Yang emailed that finals were postponed last fall. Wham, bam, easy as that. Drink down, but so is Josh.

4.) Spill your drink on YOU:
This is one of the least optimal options out there, but we include it nonetheless because it is indeed viable. Chris didn’t respond to the above tactics, so you spill on yourself (NOTE: if you become skilled in this, you can learn to spill only on exposed skin to save your clothes and have easy cleanup). While Chris scrambles to prove he is a gentleman by getting you things to clean up, you can retreat away to safety.

3.) Tell him you’re the president of A.G.A.J:
“What is A.G.A.J.?” you ask. Why, that would be the Association of Gauchos Against JUULing. No it doesn’t exist, but Josh won’t know that. JUULing is his life, his passion. The thought that such an organization even exists will be enough to shut down his brain to the point where he can’t speak to you anymore. If JUULing became illegal, or even worse uncool, what would he do on the fourth floor of Davidson Library with his brothers? How would he get that fatty dome? Is his life over?! While he’s having his existential crisis, you sneak away.

2.) Dance like your parents:
Oh no, Ryan is approaching, and you don’t want any part of that. You almost freeze, but then you remember how dumb your parents look on the dance floor in all of those old home movies they make you watch. “The Cabbage Patch,” “The Sprinkler,” “The Lawn Mower,” and “The Shopping Cart” are just a few of many that will make your parents proud, and ensure Ryan’s quick departure.

1.) Fake your death and move to Mexico:
For the peskiest frat boys, none of the aforementioned tactics will do. There is only one thing left to do to avoid him: fake your death and move to Mexico. Take out your entire college fund and drive like a madman.  Ah, the carefree feeling of having no responsibilities, sipping margaritas and scarfing down tacos on the beach. Just hope Tyler doesn’t run into you on his next spring break. That would be awkward.

Frat boys can be a difficult beast to ward off. But with the skills we gave you above and a little practice, you’ll be able to shake even the most persistent frat boy hump-barnacle. It’s pretty telling of our current society that this type of guide needs be written, but these guys are pretty, well, dumb, and until they become self-aware that they come on way too strong, it’s best to just curb ’em altogether. Happy partying, Gauchos!

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