A Handful of Similes to Help You Describe IV Life to Strangers

author-pic at UC Santa Barbara  

Strangers? Parental Units? Best friend’s girlfriend that you dream might play in traffic? Whoever the human and/or dog who asks/barks of you, “What is IV actually like?” you must dabble in the art of spoken rhetoric to pay Isla Vista it’s due respect. So, as a cheers to either your first (Welcome, no-longer-freshman), middle, or last year of Isla Vista citizenship, here’s a clearly non-exhaustive list of helpful and oddly accurate similes (refresher: metaphor using “like” or “as”) to explain what IV life is really like. 

4.) IV is like a sketchy adult Disneyland:
IV has a bunch of fakely-real buildings that light up at night. And a crap ton of people dodging whatever parade’s moving through…train, car, whatever. Some of the food’s great, some you most definitely should not eat or you’ll get the poops. We’re looking at you Déjà vu. IV also has a plethora of great rides to choose from at some superpacked DP party, with more or less lines and definitely more pleasure. Woohoo! IV’s also got a handful of people who do acid. And a lot of people who hand waters and Jesus Burgers (thanks, y’all) out to the kids who got the spins after their mental tea-cup ride. It’s got its what-the-fluff moments, but it’s a fxck ton of big-kid fun and you know it. 

3.) IV is like perma-beach camping:
ALL of the bathrooms are gross. All of ‘em. And, it doesn’t matter if you’re street-side Sabado or shower all day/erry day, you always have a tiny bit of sand in your bed no matter what. And if you’re strapped for cash (or quiche…buh-dum, tssss…do you like eggs?), you live with two roommates and three other housemates in a really wonderful little two-story concrete tent complete with patio where you can still get shit on by a ‘gull. And hear the waves if it’s exceptionally quiet. And sleep on a twin bed. That always has a little bit of sand. The life, amiright?

2.) IV is like a colony of kids who were left home alone, but all together and thriving:
Whether smoking a J with Mickey/Minnie or feeding him/her/them illegal substances in a controlled lab, IV is teeming and teaming with part-time punks of all majors who know how to survive when two non-locals or professors with exams try to threaten their livelihood. Every IV rep has worked their ass both on and off the die/tiny fxcking exam table, and in some way or another with good solo die or #2 pencil in hand, succeeded. They’re all on their own. And thrivin’. On their own, together. Just fuggin’ thriving.

1.) IV is like Hogwarts:
Because IV is magical. No further fancy spoken rhetoric needed.

So, as a hats off to the weirdest combination of cool kids ever known as Isla Vista, go out and use the similes. Make them metaphors? Try some acid… washed jeans? Whatever your style, you do you. IV citizen to IV citizen, rock or smooth jazz the socks off that nosy stranger from their head to their shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes.

 

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