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What to Do When Jack Johnson Comes Back to UCSB

Did you know Jack Johnson went here? It’s true, he did, and that makes him a man admired by many-a-student here at UCSB, some might even say he is worshipped. If you’re so dumb as to not know our most famous and cherished alum (sit down Leroy Chiao-heads, you nerds) comes here to visit a bunch and it’s usually a surprise. How do you prepare for such a huge event? Here are five things you can do if he ever shows up at his good ole alma mater:

5.) Assign him some math homework:
What’s the most important part of making a man feel at home? Assigning him homework. Since Jacky J started his UCSB career as a math major, it would only be fitting to give him a butt load of math homework so he can think about the good times. The goal here is to remind him of his glory years and that time his head almost exploded from having two math tests on the same day, as famously noted in his song “Bubble Toes.” It’s just good to make him feel like he’s still one of the students, you know?

4.) Perform a human sacrifice:
Jack Johnson is essentially a small deity on this campus, so it seems pretty fair that students find the person with the lowest GPA and sacrifice him or her to their spiritual ruler. He or she will be dropped from Storke Tower whilst the student population watches and monotonically chants “It’s a jungle gym/ It’s a jungle gym.” Meanwhile Jack will stand over them in pride. Bring your kids, it’ll be fun.

3.) Diss his song:
One of Jack Johnson’s most popular song is about banana pancakes, but there is a rowdy group on campus that agrees that chocolate chip pancakes reign supreme and it is disgraceful to even write a song about another form of pancake. The minute Jack Johnson steps on campus, this group has vowed to destroy him with all of the power that they possess. Even if you don’t agree with this, it IS a way to cope with the fact that he actually showed up.

2.) Beg him for tuition help:
Jack Johnson makes a ton of money, and it’s only fair that he donates 99% of that money to the school where he got his start, even if he’s already donated a shitload in the past. After all, without that film major, how could he possibly have made it so far in the music business? The answer is that he couldn’t, and students should all be rewarded for the school’s hard work and be given free tuition. Again, it’s only fair.

1.) All-out chaos:
If nothing else comes to mind, it’s safe to throw your arms up and run back and forth like Kermit the Frog when he is happy. Burn buildings down and rise up with a new, unsteady government to control the panicking people. Face it, this is the biggest event of your entire college career, handle it with grace and dignity by blacking out from excitement and waking up in a trashcan in front of IV Theater.

Survivalists prepare for any situation, and since Jack Johnson has shown up so many times before, it’s safe to assume he will again. If you don’t know what to do when he comes, any of the above activities are socially acceptable. Or just attend his concert like a normal human.

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