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Nothing to See Here, Folks! I’ve Got Everything Under Control

Assuring reporters that there was “nothing to worry about” and that everything was “totally fine,” sources confirmed that Chancellor Yang dismissed yesterday’s earthquake, which registered a 5.3 on the Richter Scale, as posing no physical threat to UCSB’s campus.

“First of all, the epicenter was way out by the Channel Islands in my underwater party lai- I mean, administrative retreat lair,” he said. “Which is far enough for safety as it is.”

“And even if we were having a Deltopia pregame of seismic proportions — no small achievement, I hasten to add — the regents and I are fully committed to the safety and comfort of every UCSB student, and we could easily mobilize to evacuate any area we deemed to be in danger.”

When asked about the timeliness of responses to earlier crises such as the Thomas Fire and the ensuing mudslides, Yang touted his perfect record in going “Three for three. We’ve held exams before, during, and after each one, persisting undeterred by the false alarms from Mother Nature.”

Many respected conspiracy theorists within the community have voiced their skepticism about Yang’s explanation of the quake as a one-off accident. “It just doesn’t make sense,” said Dr. Michael Lyndon, professor of religious studies at UCSB. “First we have the fire and the flood, which was supposedly just some ‘freak coincidence of nature,’” he said while making air quotes. “Now he’ll have us believe that earth shit just came out of nowhere, and we’re not supposed to be on our guard for whatever’s next?” He went on to underscore the inevitability of a “plague of wind, and I’m not talking about what happens when you get the chili cheese fries from IV Deli.”

Experts say that while the earthquake may reasonably be explained by a one-time coincidence, there remains an equal chance of it being a dark, supernatural omen preceding Deltopia Weekend. “Hey what’s the worst that could happen – it’s too windy for you to get a light on your balcony?” said Yang, laughing nervously between cigarette puffs.

“And furthermore,” he continued, pausing to remove his handkerchief and dab at a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead, “Why do you think we invite so many cops to come party with us this weekend? Sure, they love to get down just like everybody else, but if worst comes to worst, trust me – we’re completely safe.”

Officers are reportedly trained to respond to the first sign of danger by “donning their riot gear and forming a human shield to protect Isla Vista from any and all natural or criminal threats to our well-being.” Yang went on to explain that whether that threat is “underage drinking, underage smoking, studying within 100 yards of a fraternity, underage public urination, you name it, and these officers can tase, detain, and mace the shit out of it – in that order!”

At press time, Yang confirmed that officers had been administered emergency wind preparation, learning the best techniques to form a “human hotbox” and get a light in the event that inclement weather detracts from outdoor weed smoking.

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