For anyone biking by Storke Tower this week, it would be nearly impossible to miss the impassioned social activism taking place around the base of this holy site. Our beloved custodial workers responsible for cleaning up all the assorted scum and villainy that seep in from Isla Vista are taking a stand to demand a pay raise. While we’re ordinarily the strongest supporters of both seizing the means of production and facilitating a workers’ revolution against the tyranny of the bourgeoisie, these people have crossed a line.
Unthinkable as it may be, they have dared to level criticism at our lord and savior himself — the indomitable, unsurpassable, original gangster Chancellor Henry “Daddy” T. Yang. The heretics demanded cuts to the tributes paid to this champion of Gauchos, the equivalent of political suicide among this community of Yang’s devout supporters. Thankfully, the denizens of Isla Vista have responded as expected, condemning these efforts as the true folly they are. In order to provide the basis for a counter-insurgency, The Black Sheep is officially requesting that Chancellor Yang receive a raise due to his herculean efforts on behalf of our beloved institution.
First and foremost, one must consider the expenses associated with Chancellor Yang’s extensive smoking routine. In order to maintain the ominous haze over the Lagoon every morning, this iron-lunged hero must blow through pounds of the stuff for hours at a time. Despite his numerous cartel connections, the cost of these efforts can still amount to quite the sum. In order to ensure Yang has the resources to remain astronomically baked, funds should be diverted from both the physics and chemistry departments for bulk orders directly from the Emerald Triangle.
Chancellor Yang understands how stressful college life can be, and that sometimes the best thing after a long day of class can be a cuddly, furry companion. To soothe the worries of his beloved citizens, Yang introduced the now thriving raccoon population of Isla Vista. The mapache population spread good will, cheer, and assorted garbage wherever they roam, enriching the lives of everyone in the community. We recommend that the Biology Department’s resources be diverted solely to the study of these amazing creatures.
Lastly, and most importantly, we cannot forget Henry Yang’s eternal battle against the forces of evil and destruction. By mastering all four elements and the power of the avatar state, Yang has defended UCSB’s physical campus from a myriad of natural catastrophes. For holding at bay gale force winds, torrential downpours, raging flames, and thundering landslides, all while maintaining UCSB’s status as a prestigious public university, The Black Sheep stands firmly behind this protector of the weak, cheifer of the loud, and most importantly the Yangest of the Yangs. We hope the student body will feel the same.
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