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Op-Ed: Let Me Tell You Ladies Why We Need More Sexism at UCSB

Hey, guys! I say guys because I know most women can’t read and the ones that can aren’t funny or intellectual enough to understand the subtleties of The Black Sheep. I know we’re in the thicc of dead week, but I have an important issue to bring up, and it’s that we need to talk about why those things keep trying to get equal rights.

I mean what is up with that? If they deserved it, don’t you think they would have gotten it already? It’s not like there’s anyone holding them back besides the home they should be cleaning and child they should be raising by now (like you’re 20 and don’t have kids yet??).

The fact that they don’t have equal pay or whatever must mean they don’t even really want it. Equal rights would of course mean that women no longer get free drinks at the bar, they’d have to touch all of their own doors with their dainty fingers that might break, and they’d have to be drafted in the army — they may claim they love their country, but they’re sure as hell not willing to lay their lives for it. Women must chalk these up in their pros and cons list of equal rights and choose to hold back, I know I would! Doors around UCSB are heavy!

Take a step further, and you’ll find if girls in Isla Vista had equal rights, the frats wouldn’t let them in without at least three dicks per tit present in their party. Let’s forget that that’s already too much math for their fragile brains to handle, but can you imagine a world where people are allowed into parties regardless of sexual orientation? That would be chaos! 

Yet despite all this protection from the equal rights they know they don’t want, they still get mad when we compliment them in the Arbor on their nice asses and sugary tits. Why are they so mad? They know it’s their most valuable ass-et! 

Every time I see a woman running a club or even a classroom, I wonder how it doesn’t just fall apart in a week. I know they are far too emotional to keep track of anything beyond the makeup on their face, which is quite important to everyone around them. It’s just hard to know that they’re going to have to talk to people to make things run. Have you ever talked to a woman, dude? Well I have a few times and take it from me: ugh. They never shut up and can’t get to the point within five minutes. Basically, it’s nice that we allow women to run clubs at UCSB, but maybe it’s time we rethink this. Who knows what havoc will rain upon this campus when they get their blood coming out of their wherever, you know? 

Chicks couldn’t even make good decisions for leading clubs or groups because they can’t even make decisions in their everyday lives. They like to claim they believe in all sorts of spiritual shit, which guides their lives. That’s why you always see girls with Buddhist tapestries and wearing and tattooing the ohm symbol anywhere they have free space — it’s what makes them feel “at peace and unique.” At least it’s better than tattooing waves on their ankle because they live by the ocean like they’re the only people who live along the ocean at UCSB besides the entirety of DP. 

In conclusion, I am a very sane person. I know what’s right, how the world should go and I’ve never seen myself wrong because I close my eyes a lot. But in all honesty, because I’ve learned from experience that not everyone gets a joke if it’s in writing (Ever tried joking on tinder?) I will say that I am honestly disgusted by how much sexism I don’t see on campus.

Know anyone at one of these schools? 
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired! 

Michigan – $300 Referral Bounty
Iowa State – $300 Referral Bounty
Minnesota – $300 Referral Bounty
New Hampshire – $300 Referral Bounty
Syracuse – $300 Referral Bounty 
Ole Miss – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Referral Bounty
Texas A&M CC- $300 Referral Bounty
Colorado State – $300 Referral Bounty 
UAB – $300 Referral Bounty
Kansas – $100 Bounty
Mississippi State – $100 Bounty
Mizzou – $100 Bounty
Penn State – $100 Bounty
SUNY Oswego – $100 Bounty
Auburn – $100 Bounty
UNCW – $100 Bounty
Wyoming – $100 Bounty
NC State – $100 Bounty
SLU/WASU – $100 Bounty
Portland – $100 Bounty
Slippery Rock – $100 Bounty
UMass – $100 Bounty
Michigan State – $100 Bounty
Click here to DM our Twitter and we’ll take it from there!
EASY MONEY!

 

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