Look, I didn’t want to ruin lives. That was never my intention. I think an apology is in order but I’m not sure what for or by whom. To the three people that were affected the most by this I just want to say sincerely, truly, and unashamedly: my bad. I messed up. I know it, you know it, Chancellor Yang knows it. Pretty much a lot of people know it. I knew it was too good to be true. One of my biggest and most ambitious dreams since I came to college has been to play a nice, wholesome game of fuck/marry/kill with the environmental studies major guidance counselor. Last week that wish came true, and I wish I didn’t have to say that.
It all started on a jolly Saturday. It was a Saturday morning like any other: I woke up naked in a chicken coop with several sticks of butter in my right hand. It was nice to be in a familiar place. I smiled at first until I realized I had to meet for schooling choices with my person who tells me what choices to make. For the layman, that means I had a meeting with Geraldo Lookitsme, the resident advisor for all UCSB environmental studies majors. Walking up to Mr. Lookitsme’s office, I had a tight feeling in my stomach. Most people would say that was a result of devouring several entire cylinders of butter the night before, but I now know it was due to the events that were about to unfold.
—I stepped inside the door and greeted Geraldo in the typical fashion. I said “Sir, it is me. Look at myself and tell me how to study and what to learn for my college.” Mr. Lookitsme replied “Sit down and do not talk. I will let you know.” He then chewed on a piece of tobacco gum for three minutes and spit it into a cup that was not a shot glass but was not as big as a normal cup. Naturally I asked him “Fuck/Marry/Kill. Me, Chancellor Yang, or Interim Co-Dean Mary Betsy Brenner (Gervitz Graduate School of Education).”
A week later, I am engaged to be wed. Chancellor Yang has made love to one of his subordinates, and and Interim Co-Dean Mary Betsy Brenner (Gervitz Graduate School of Education) is out of a job and a life. To those mourning the loss of our beloved Interim Co-Dean Mary Betsy Brenner (Gervitz Graduate School of Education), I deeply apologize. To Chancellor Yang’s estranged wife, I also deeply apologize. My future husband, Geraldo Lookitsme, is overzealous and also a man of his word. So in the future please think before you play fuck/marry/kill with an academic advisor. The life of an Interim Co-Dean may depend on it.