If there’s one important consideration to be taken when judging the worthiness of a frat, it’s the cleanliness of its bathroom. So in an effort to compose a clear ranking of UCSB’s frats, The Black Sheep sent a staff member undercover to try to get a glimpse of their bathrooms. Unfortunately, our guy wasn’t able to actually get into all of them and had to get a little creative. Here’s what he had to report:
7.) Alpha Epsilon Pi:
From my vantage point up on the ledge where I was discreetly perched, AEPi’s bathroom did not look like it had the makings of a top-house bathroom. There were several used condoms strewn about, a small deer giving birth in the corner, and, for some reason, several used tampons lying around. Bottom house bathroom for sure.
6.) Alpha Tau Omega:
With my visibility limited due to my not being allowed into the house, ATO’s bathroom did not look that clean as far as I could see. I’m not sure if this is due to the window being blurry or not, but it looks like there is a pile of priest carcasses shoved into one of the shower stalls. 6th out of 7 due to religious intolerance.
5.) Zeta Psi:
I’m not claiming to be an authority on how this bathroom looks, as I unfortunately could only peer through partially-drawn shades while researching for this article. Strangely enough, their bathroom looks a lot like a kitchen as it comes equipped with a dishwasher, sink, and no toilets or showers. Not sure how any of the members relieve themselves, but this bathroom is considerably cleaner than ATO or AEPi’s.
4.) Sigma Phi Epsilon:
This bathroom was actually really hard to find. Sig Ep’s house is considerably bigger than any of the others, and as I scampered around the outside of the place to try and find the bathroom window, a prickly bramblebush cut me all up. The bush’s thorns inflicted several lacerations upon my elbow and my pants even ripped a bit. It was kind of painful, and I got pretty upset and discouraged but ultimately decided this article was too important, so I pressed on in my journey. The bathroom looked okay.
3.) Kappa Sigma:
I looked everywhere, but it still took me several hours to find this house. When I did, I was perplexed because it seemed to be a normal house. I knocked on the door and the men there were gracious hosts; they let me in and chatted with me a while and offered me bread and mead. The bathroom looked nearly spotless, almost as if it had never seen a single party, line of cocaine, or runny hangover dump in all its years. I left with a full stomach, an empty bladder, and a bid to the fraternity good for unlimited uses.
2.) Alpha Gamma Omega:
I thought that AGO, as clear-cut top-house for decades now, would have a disgusting bathroom. As I peered in through the Venetian blinds, I was pleasantly surprised. Instead of the hovel I had expected, there was instead a small wooden man next to a sink strung up on a t-shaped object, seemingly crying in otherworldly anguish. Similar to ATO, AGO also had a priest in the bathroom, only this time the priest was pooping.
1.) Zeta Beta Tau:
Okay so I wasn’t able to get a very clear view of this bathroom due to the fact that there was a lot of stuff in the way of the window, but I’m reasonably sure it’s clean. It looked like a few of the newer members may have been cleaning up with loud vocal support from some of the more senior brothers, but one can never be sure when the window is so specked with dust. ZBT takes top-house honors for teamwork, brotherly companionship, and not getting mad when they saw me out back before I ran swiftly and silently away like a fast plane.
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