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REPORT: 3 New Super-STDs Born and Spreading Through Isla Vista

The sun is out, Deltopia has passed, and people are fucking, well, all over the place. Those curious white stains on the carpets of the study rooms in the library are unfortunately not your imagination. Inhibitions and standards are running low all across campus and IV, which has piqued the Black Sheep Biology Department’s interest in collecting samples of the *residuals* to see if we could find anything else of scientific interest swimming around there. And in the name of science, we have declared these new species of sexually transmitted diseases endemic only to the bubble-like petri dish of jizz that is Isla Vista.

Hepatitis-B(uchanan): 
This has only been contracted by those who bone in the Buchanan Bathroom. Pairs spot each other during their lectures and slowly gravitate to the bathroom out of sheer boredom. The typical Parscore wrapper condom usually doesn’t do the job very effectively here, and livers everywhere can’t help but notice that there is something massively wrong. Symptoms of this virus are similar to other kinds of hepatitis, except for the fact that this one is not actually scientifically recognized by the World Health organization. However, rest assured that this STD can be cured by a good ole yerb and bong rip, because why the fuck not if you have hepatitis?

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Gauchorhea (AKA “The IV Drip”):
Not the most creative name by the pseudo-scientists, but as we know of science, pseudo-science is not for amateurs.  This STD certainly is for amateurs, as it most often is contracted in the dorms after some cringey RHA program that nobody went to anyway. This version of Gonorrhea is particularly concerning to the viability of Gaucho alumni progeny, given that the world really needs more quasi-productive alcoholics on its hands. Have no fear, however, as a swift, stern talking to the groin will have this bacterial infection running onto the street instead of your moldy salami.

Financial AIDS:
Ever gone to the financial aid office and looked around? Everyone looks so pale and sluggish. While many suggest that these attributes derive from the generally depressing nature of the UCSB Financial Aid Office, The Black Sheep unfortunately knows the truth behind this phenomenon. Yes, these people all have contracted the fabled Financial AIDS. A small infected population in the 80s has grown faster than the tuition, and is now approaching epidemic levels. Usually contracted directly from getting fucked by UCSB, this Autoimmune disease is only curable by a fat student loan. Therefore, this is a terminal illness.

At press time, Chancellor Yang had approved the immediate addition of these STDs those tested at UCSB Student Health, and allocated $138,00 (twice the sex positions funding!) of administrative discretionary spending to the research and development of highly infectious super strains to sic on Cal Poly “for research purposes.”

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