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REPORT CARD: Grading the Best Places to Have Sex in Public at UCSB

Thanks to a spirited effort from the Chancellor’s office to put together this handy how-to guide, The Black Sheep has obtained Chancellor Yang’s personal recommendations for the ideal spots to get hot and heavy on campus at UCSB. This report card is a doozie, folks, so strap on your thinking caps and prepare to be bombarded with more great options and surfaces than you thought existed.

Storke Tower

Accessibility: B+

Acoustics: A-

View: D

Visibility: B-

Overall Grade: B

Notes:

A true classic, Storke tower’s location in the center of campus is perfect for students and professors who need to bang out a quickie between classes. While the view from inside certainly leaves much to be desired, you sick fucks can take solace in the fact that the ‘Storke Upskirt’ (see pictured) lets the perfect amount of sight and sound out to grace the eyes and ears of the unsuspecting.

 

The Classrooms in Girvetz

Accessibility: A+

Acoustics: B

View: C+

Visibility: F

Overall Grade: C+

Notes:

Little known to students and faculty, the classrooms in Girvetz Hall are *always* unlocked. Yes, you read that right. Despite the lackluster views and near-total privacy, these rooms have hosted many a successful late night study-jam-turned-fuckfest, and look to grow in popularity as word spreads among students seeking an anonymous exchange of notes and/or bodily fluids.

 

HSSB Classrooms

Accessibility: A

Acoustics: A+

View: D+

Visibility: C-

Overall Grade: B+

Notes:

Don’t let the locked doors fool you — that wide-open window is practically begging for it. Pry that sucker open and take advantage of one of the best spots on campus to get it on.

 

Glassbox Gallery

Accessibility: C

Acoustics: B

View: D

Visibility: A++

Overall Grade: A

Notes:

Turn the Glassbox into your own personal Assbox with help from the UCSB Art Department. As part of their ‘Exhibition’ exhibition, students will be invited to fornicate in the Glassbox Gallery in the ‘ultimate display of raw, human beauty.’

 

Tables in Front of UCen

Accessibility: A+

Acoustics: C

View: C+

Visibility: A+

Overall Grade: A

Notes:

Anyone who is willing to sacrifice a good view to become the view themselves should make their way to the wooden tables in front of the UCen. Students and faculty come here to enjoy not only the extreme visibility of this high-traffic area, but also the proximity to Jamba Juice and the Corner Store, where they can replenish fluids in a timely manner after completion. A note of caution: students are recommended to bring their own blankets or risk exposing themselves to splinters in addition to passersby.

 

Guest House patio

Accessibility: A+

Acoustics: A-

View: A+

Visibility: A+

Overall Grade: A+

Notes:

What do you think I’ve been sinking your tuition into these past two years? The guest house patio is the complete package — easy access day or night, the acoustics of any great amphitheater, and an unparalleled view of the lagoon and beach, not to mention the spectacular view spectators will have of you while you’re going at it like there’s no tomorrow. What are you waiting for, Gauchos? Get out there and make me proud!

Now you have hard hitting facts ingrained in your brain on where the best spots around UCSB to have sex in public are. You never know when the situation will arise, and when it does, you don’t want to screw it up. Trust our writing staff, which is definitely full of experienced sex-havers. 

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