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UCSB Announces Plan to Convert Spacious Triples to “More Pragmatic” Octuplets

Earlier today the UCSB Residence Hall Association announced that next year all of the “shorties,” including Anacapa, Santa Cruz, and Santa Rosa, will be converted from spacious triples to “more pragmatic” octuples.

“There is so much unused space in a triple. The amount of freshmen students we’ve admitted for the upcoming 2017-2018 school year exceed our housing accommodations,” Wendy Willis, UCSB’s RHA director stated. “We think it’s the most efficient to have two students in each of the three beds, to house the first six students.”  

Asked where the remaining two students would possibly fit, Willis looked down at a crudely drawn dorm diagram on a Freebird’s napkin. “The remaining two will fit in the space above these closets, which are big enough for one twin bed in each space, creating a total of eight students in each room,” she said, pointing to the napkin.

“And this isn’t just about money,” Willis said, tearing the part of her napkin which depicted a “8 s + 1dorm + ?? = $$$.” “We do think there will be benefits to this arrangement. The proximity of all eight students will encourage a family dynamic to emerge, or something. Furthermore,” she added, “the body heat released in octuplets will significantly reduce heating bills in the winter! So yeah, it’s green, you hippies.”

“I can’t believe they’re going from triples to octuples,” lamented second year Abigail Edwards in dissatisfaction. “These rooms were doubles a few years back; I didn’t think it was possible to make them any smaller, and even then I thought about selling most of my clothes to clear up space, but then my roommates decided it would be best if we all shared one wardrobe to maximize space,” she added, looking down at a pair of stained pajama pants that had “Sarah” embroidered on them. “Sarah’s bringing the crop tops and shorts, I’m in charge of sweat pants. Emily is bringing the communal toothbrush and soaps. Ashley said she’ll bring all of the towels and snacks. Essentially we’ll all become one eighth of a person.”

Abigail’s concerns are ubiquitous amongst UCSB students, including Resident Assistants. “This is my second year working as an R.A.,” third year Benjamin Hastings stated. “I don’t know if I can handle partying with any more drunk freshman. I barely kept up with them last year. Triples are usually a good size for kickbacks, but it might get a little hard to breathe now. Four’s a party, but nine’s a crowd if you know what I’m saying.”

Hastings told reporters that he considered quitting, but it was too late to back out of his contract. To make matters worse, his room had also been converted from a single to an R.A. triple.“Now we’re going to have to work out a whole sexile schedule. I became an R.A. to avoid this in the first place,” Hastings added morosely.

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