Earlier this afternoon it was reported that eighteen-year-old-male Matthew Huntington made the unfortunate mistake of opening a bag of chip on the eighth floor of Davidson Library. Huntington was then reported to have subsequently burned any and all bridges instantly, according to glaring sources who stared daggers into his soul.
“I had no idea I was committing career suicide,” said a shaken Huntington. “I had been studying for hours and got super hungry, but I couldn’t afford to spare any study time to eat my snack outside. So I opened my bag of Lay’s, slowly at first in an attempt to cause as little disruption as possible. Sadly, opening the chips slowly just dragged out the sound of the two pieces of plastic separating from one another. As soon as I finished opening the bag, I glanced up over my cubicle and saw every face in the room looking back at me. It was terrifying. I didn’t know what to do… so I started eating my chips.”
Huntington reported that things got worse after his first bite. “Typically, I chew pretty quietly, but I guess it wasn’t quietly enough for the eighth floor. The next thing I knew, two girls approached me angrily, and pointed towards the door. I had committed no crime, but I was being removed from the library.” According to sources, Hunting attempted to stand his ground and didn’t move, though the two girls remained still and didn’t either. Others were seen gathering behind them and pointed towards the door as well.
“I was shocked; I had no choice but to pack up my belongings and leave. As soon as I exited the building the room broke out in low-volume finger snapping. I made my way to the first floor of the library, still shaken by the events that had occurred, and proceeded to eat my chips.”
Witnesses were also shocked by what is now being called the Great Chip Fiasco of 2017. Second year Diana Porter left the library briefly to digest the event she just observed. Porter stated, “I’m surprised events didn’t turn violent. I mean, the audacity of this kid. Who eats chips on the eighth floor of the library? Everybody knows you can barely breathe heavily or sniffle once you get to the highest floor, it’s just an implicit rule. If you have to cough, you better be on the second floor or below. And chips, my god, such as obnoxious snack item.” Porter walked away muttering “fucking freshman,” as she returned to the library.
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