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7 Substances Readily Available in Isla Vista to Rub on Your Nipples

What are the most sexual body parts? Weenies? Boobs? Butts? Feet? All wrong. The correct answer is nipples. Nipples are the most sexual, and most important body parts. They’re the only objects in the universe capable of eliciting a reaction of pure sexual desire from virtually anybody. Therefore, in order to attract a mate, it is imperative that one keeps his/her nipples stimulated and erect at all times. Here are 7 substances that can be rubbed on one’s nipples for stimulation and are readily available in Isla Vista:

7.) Sour cream:
An easy and cost-efficient way to make sure that you always have super tall and pointy nipples is to spread sour cream all over your chest prior to going out in public. Head over to the Goleta Costco to get a reasonably priced gallon of the stuff and it should last you up to four days.

6.) Bike path puddle water:
Once the rainy season rolls around, a convenient way to maintain nipples that could puncture steel is by dipping them in the puddles that will develop on the campus bike paths. Before class, simply remove your shirt, assume push-up position over a bike path puddle, and dip.

5.) A blenders smoothie:
Blenders smoothies come nice and chilly. After buying one, lie down on your back and carefully pour just one little drop on each nipple. Wait two minutes, lick yourself clean, and repeat.

4.) Dining hall ice cream:
Using a scooper to lather your nipples in ice cream at your favorite dining hall is a fun and flirty way to let your peers know that you know how to have fun and also that you have some of the perkiest nips in town.

3.) Sand:
Rubbing your nipples with sand will get those suckers sticking straight out. Your friends will all say “wow, those are pointy nipples and I’m so turned on.”

2.) Tito’s vodka:
A nice coating of Tito’s makes for some shiny, slippery, perfectly erect nipples. You’ll also get a nice little buzz when the vodka is inevitably absorbed through your nipple holes.

1.) Love:
Do not fret even if you don’t have the chance to acquire any of these holy ointments in time to impress your crush. Just rub a little bit of love on your little red friends and flaccid nips will become a thing of the past.

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