UCSB Economics Department Gives Out First “A” in 120 Years
It was announced yesterday that a student, Eric Hernandez, received an “A” on an assignment in Econ 10A. At the University of California, Santa Barbara, the Economics Department had not previously given out an A grade since the school was founded in 1891.
Reporters found Hernandez wandering outside of the library, empty cans of Yerba Mate and Adderall containers falling from his backpack. “I didn’t think I would peak this early in life. Nothing I do will ever top this,” Hernandez stated, shivering. Hernandez is unsure of the last time he slept, but says he closed his eyes for two minutes while in line buying a Blue Book last week.
Records show that Hernandez is enrolled in three other classes along with Econ 10A. After week two, Hernandez informed the press he stopped attending other classes to devote more time to self-loathing and studying. Professors of Hernandez’s dropped classes reportedly reacted sympathetically once learned why Hernandez had not been attending class.
“I gave up my hopes and dreams long ago,” Hernandez whispered while looking pensively off into the distance. He recalled that a quiz would be given each week in section and the 20 lowest scoring students would be publicly shamed and barred from the major.
The UCSB Economics Department grades on a curve “steeper than numbers go,” said one crestfallen student, adding that it was based on how the professor felt on a given that day. It is rumored that the last recipient of an A went on to build the Hot Pockets empire.
According to his roommates, Hernandez informed his landlord and was able to break his lease during the second week to moved his belongings into the library. He only ventured outside to cry quietly in front of the Arbor at high noon each day. Occasionally, his roommates told reporters they would stop by the library to bring him food and would find him grunting something unintelligible about “being dead in the long-run.”
“You don’t want to see the things I’ve seen, the things I’ve done,” said a trembling Hernandez when asked if he had any advice for students taking the course this fall. According to Hernandez, he had to sacrifice a newly admitted freshman at the base of Storke Tower and constructed a shrine of Warren Buffet for good luck. “The look on her face…I can’t stop seeing the look on her face,” an anguished Hernandez added, remembering the freshman he sacrificed.
“The Economics Department does not endorse sacrificial rituals to boost pre-major GPAs,” department chair Kelly Bedard said before returning to her lair whence she came. Hernandez was last seen throwing up in a trash can after he was informed of how many upper division economics classes he needed to graduate.
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