With finals fast approaching and one week missing from the quarter, we Gauchos are already beyond stressed out. Thankfully, sex has many proven health benefits, not least of which is massive stress reduction… but only if you do it right. Chancellor Yang has once again gaucho back with a $69,000 grant (nice!) that made possible the research and development of these 7 UCSB-inspired sex positions, all of which are guaranteed to help you relax and ease into finals as they ease themselves into you:
7.) The Storke Tower:
This position has the man lying face up with the girl upside-down on top of his erection. Though they usually want to stomp on the patriarchy, feminist Gauchos can take advantage and enjoy this chance to deep-throat the patriarchy instead.
6.) The Handlebars:
The girl lies back with her legs spread while the guy sits on her crotch holding invisible handlebars. This is as far as I understand role playing. I never passed a drama class.
5.) The Fuck Towers:
Here we have the north and south towers of people fucking, much like they do in the actual FT dorms. Ideal for when you and your roommate both want to use the room at the same time.
4.) The I Gaucho Back-door:
Grab your ankles for Olé Gaucho to penetrate that sweet bootyhole. Self-explanatory.
3.) The IV Drip:
The IV Drip has you and as many friends as you want precum on her face. This is your go-to for when she’s not hot enough for you to cum but you still want to give her something.
2.) The Harder Stadium:
You have exactly 4 minutes and 20 seconds to cram as many frozen tortillas up your ass as possible. Then run a lap around the field in the next 4:20 and eat any tortillas that fall out.
1.) The Stabrego/Stabado Tarde:
Stab your partner post-coitus for 100% effective birth control. Stop teen pregnancy before it starts and avoid becoming one of those statistics – become a homicide statistic instead. Bonus points if you pull this one off on Abrego or Sabado Tarde.
Remember kids, saying “dad” instead of “daddy” is always a mood killer, because now everyone knows you actually have daddy issues. Think about it, Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. vs. I’m sorry, daddy. I’ve been naughty. Yang Daddy is the only issue we need here.
*No pickles were harmed in the making of this article.*
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